Is my partner having an affair with an AI chatbot? – how to deal with emotional infidelity in the time of AI

Could an AI chatbot come between you and your partner? An expert explains when virtual companionship becomes emotional infidelity – and how to respond.

Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock

It’s a scenario straight out of a sci-fi movie: you sense that something is off-balance with your partner, only to discover they’re cheating on you – with a robot.

The rise of AI chatbots or ‘companions’ has led many to question what it means to be in a relationship, and the lines of emotional infidelity are becoming increasingly blurred. What counts as an affair? When does it all become ‘too much’?

In a recent study on AI companion use by Vantage Point Counselling, 28.16% of surveyed participants had engaged in at least one intimate or romantic relationship with a chatbot, and up to 87.04% of these participants were currently in a successful relationship with a human. 

But does that mean they’re having an affair? Here’s where opinions divide. In fact, only 49% of respondents said they would consider intimate AI chats as an unacceptable form of cheating. We took a look at the ins and outs of emotional infidelity in the age of AI.

Should I worry about AI companions?

No two relationships are alike, but should you be concerned if you notice your partner is spending a lot of time talking to a chatbot? And what makes partners start these relationships in the first place? Human-AI Relationship Researcher Shayce Johnston puts the phenomenon down, in part, to the human loneliness epidemic. 

‘Usually, it starts small. Someone is lonely, or between relationships, or simply curious, and they notice the AI responds instantly, remembers what they said, and never seems bored of them,’ she says.

Shayce also mentions a common desire for an emotional outlet without putting the burden on their current partner or friends: ‘An AI never sighs, never seems drained, never needs anything back. That makes it feel like a safe place to put the parts of themselves they’re afraid are too much for the people they love.

‘The AI itself is rarely the real issue. It’s usually a symptom pointing at something the relationship isn’t currently providing.’

This could be a sign that a partner is feeling unwanted or unheard, or that they’re having trouble communicating.

Is it cheating?

If your partner is talking intimately to an AI chatbot, does that mean there’s something fundamentally wrong in your relationship?

‘Not automatically, but it’s worth paying attention to,’ says Shayce. ‘I’d ask what the conversations are giving them that they’re not getting elsewhere.’

However, when it comes to the idea of emotional infidelity, don’t let the idea of ‘real’ vs ‘not real’ invalidate your feelings. 

‘People have fallen in love through letters for centuries, corresponding with someone they’d never touch,’ Shayce says. ‘Physical presence was never actually the requirement for genuine intimacy. What matters is where someone puts their emotional attention, their vulnerability, the parts of themselves they used to bring home.’

So if your partner is spending a significant amount of time speaking to their AI companion (on apps such as Character.ai, Perplexity, or Replika) instead of speaking to you, and especially if they’re being secretive about it, that may be a red flag. ‘The fact that one side of it is software doesn’t make the withdrawal from the relationship any less real,’ Shayce notes.

But what should you do if you suspect your partner might be emotionally involved with their companion?

Navigating AI boundaries

As with any relationship issue, open conversations around chatbot-related boundaries are becoming increasingly important to a healthy relationship.

Making it clear your goal is to resolve the issue in the relationship, rather than accusing your partner, is a great way to ensure the conversation gets off to a healthy start. Shayce also recommends approaching the subject by speaking about your needs – not your fears – to ensure you’re being heard.

‘Instead of “I don’t want you talking to that thing,” try “I need to know what’s going on in our relationship that’s making you look elsewhere for that,”’ she advises.

‘Lead with curiosity before confrontation,’ Shayce adds. ‘Secrecy usually means shame, not malice, and if someone feels ambushed, they’ll defend the behavior instead of examining it.

‘Something like “I found this and I want to understand what it’s been giving you” opens a door. “I can’t believe you’re doing this” closes one.’

Shayce Johnston, PhD, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice with a clinical interest in relationships, attachment, trust, and communication. Find her at shayce.com