I lost everything — then a confidence coach helped me reclaim my life

When my marriage ended and my financial security faltered, I realised how much of my confidence had been tied to external stability. Could coaching help me rebuild my confidence from within?

I’m not sure of the precise moment when my world crumbled. Perhaps it was the day I packed up our family house to move to back to a two-bedroom flat, my husband of 16 years conspicuous by his absence. Or was it that moment after our last fraught marriage guidance session on the Finchley Road? Or the day my business backer pulled out of our joint venture, leaving me to ride out the recession alone? One minute everything was on track: family, career, mortgage and marriage. Then, within a matter of months my life had collapsed, leaving me wondering which way to turn.  I needed some guidance to get back on track. Could a coach help me rebuild my confidence and feel more secure?

What is real confidence?

Annie Ashdown, author of The Confidence Factor, The Seven Secrets of Successful People (Crimson Publishing, £12.99), escaped a trail of abusive relationships to emerge as a best-selling author, hypnotherapist and coach. With the right tools, she tells me, anyone can turn their life around.

‘True confidence is being authentic, not arrogant,‘ she tells me. ‘Feeling secure within is about sitting in our authenticity and feeling worthy.’

Annie begins by asking me what I’m hoping to get out of our six sessions together. I tell her I want to address my financial and emotional security. I’m juggling a freelance lifestyle, working at capacity, but still struggling to pay my bills.

By the end of our first session Annie has decided I have an issue with boundaries. I make agreements, but rarely hold people accountable. None of my clients have signed contracts and I rarely chase my ex-husband for the children’s expenses. I don’t even keep receipts. No wonder I don’t feel secure.   

Annie challenges my worry that by charging more I’ll price myself out the market. She sends me away with a spreadsheet for the children’s outgoings and a confidence-boosting MP3 to listen to at night. With ‘I am worth it’ now lodged firmly in my subconscious, I turn down a very low rate for some work. They come back two days later offering more. Easy as that.

Reframing the story to rebuild my confidence

For our next session we work on ‘reframing’. Annie is concerned that by obsessing over what might happen in the future, as well as past regrets, I’m missing out. Annie says: ‘We can’t go forward with dreams and visions when we’re stuck in a loop of worries about what has or might go wrong.’

She wants me to ‘reframe’ my divorce in a more positive light. Is there another way I can view it? ‘An exciting adventure… freedom?’ I offer tentatively. With this thought the future opens up, it feels lighter, more fun.

The next job is to clarify my values. I’m to write a list of qualities I’d like in my ideal partner: charismatic, fun, bright, warm, kind, reliable, stylish… Annie is a firm believer that you attract in what you put out. I can have all these things, she says, because I display these characteristics myself. I’m flattered.

Designing a new vision

Homework this week is to create a mood board of my ideal life and ‘new visions for the future’. What is my ideal life? I decide to follow my intuition, pining pictures that feel ‘right’ to my board. As I pin images — airy spaces, architect-designed homes, light, travel — I realise something surprising. The life I’m imagining isn’t wildly different from the one I already have.

Notably, I don’t add a man to the board.

Maybe I’m not ready.

The power of gratitude

Homework is gratitude practice. I am to ‘obsess over’ all the things I’m lucky to have; to write a list of 10 things I am truly grateful for every day. By the end of the week the fog insecurity seems to lift. Instead of fretting about the future, I feel immensely appreciative for my healthy children, secure home and supportive friends. Annie suggests changing my computer passwords to affirmations too.

For our final exercise Annie asks me to keep a written record of every reason why I am great, no matter how small. I decide to go the extra mile and write out every complimentary email and text I’ve received in the last month. It’s a great boost to my self-esteem. Not only that, there’s a subtle switch in how I view others too.

Six weeks later

After six weeks I wouldn’t say my life is sorted, but I’m much more comfortable with the not knowing. I’ve noticed a subtle switch in my outlook towards a glass half-full mentality. The course has given me a clearer idea about who I am and what I’ve got to offer, not just to a relationship, but also at work and to my family and friends.

I’m certainly facing up to challenges, whether asking for more money or having tricky discussions I’d usually avoid. Whatever happens, I’m now much more happy in my ability to rebuild my confidence and bounce back; as Annie reminded me, I’ve done it before and I can do it again. 

Four steps to inner security:

1. Develop self-awareness. Step back from your busy schedule and reflect on who you are: your strengths and weaknesses. Monitor your feelings and behaviour and take responsibility.

2. Align your behaviour with your values. List your values and use these to act with integrity. How can you have a solid relationship with others if you don’t have a solid relationship with yourself? Write down three key values on an index card and put them where you can see them throughout the day.

3. Stay in the present moment. Meditate for five minutes a day. This will help you drop from your head to your heart.

4. Keep a ‘success journal’. Keep it in your bag and adding to it all the time what makes you successful. List every single thing: I smile at others, I am a loyal friend…

Meet the Expert Annie Ashdown, author of The Confidence Factor, The Seven Secrets of Successful People (Crimson Publishing, £12.99),is a best-selling author, hypnotherapist and coach.

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