‘It was just a joke, don’t you have a sense of humour?’ How to spot relationship red flags

Subtle gaslighting, ‘jokes’ that hurt, constantly walking on eggshells: Relationship red flags often appear quietly — until your confidence is gone for good

An old boyfriend of mine had one red flag phrase he repeated constantly: ‘I’m only kidding — it was just a joke! Don’t you have a sense of humour?’

He usually said it after making a nasty comment about my appearance, admitting he fancied another girl, or saying something else quietly cruel, all designed to knock my confidence. At the time, I didn’t realise what was happening. But looking back, it’s painfully clear: he was chipping away at my fragile self-belief. Not only was I ugly, stupid, etc, I also couldn’t take a joke.

This was a warning sign I was able to spot for myself, eventually, but relationship red flags are rarely obvious at first. They don’t usually arrive as dramatic moments or clear warnings. More often, they appear quietly — in how you feel, what you stop saying, and how much of yourself you begin to shrink.

Because according to Sara Davison, aka The Divorce Coach, the clearest indicator isn’t what your partner does, but how you experience the relationship. ‘The simplest way to tell if a relationship is healthy or toxic is this: Are you able to be yourself?’ she says. ‘Can you say how you feel without fear of repercussions, or are you constantly walking on eggshells?’

Emotional safety — or fear?

In a healthy relationship, disagreement doesn’t threaten connection. You can express discomfort, disappointment or anger without fearing retaliation. ‘You should be able to say, “That upset me,” without it turning into an attack,’ Davison explains.

When that safety is missing, people begin to self-censor. ‘If you’re constantly thinking about the consequences of what you say or do, that’s not safety — that’s fear.’ Over time, that fear becomes internalised, leaving people anxious, hyper-vigilant and unsure of themselves.

In my case I was young, in the first throes of romance, as I thought it. But it can appear at any age — older women, or even men, are just as likely to fall victim.

Gaslighting and the erosion of reality

One of the most damaging red flags is gaslighting — a pattern that slowly dismantles your trust in your own perception. ‘Gaslighting makes you question your reality. You end up apologising for something they did,’ Davison says.

This often happens through a dynamic known as DARVO — deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. ‘They deny what happened, attack you, and then reverse the roles — so suddenly you’re the one saying sorry.’ The result is confusion, self-doubt and a growing belief that you’re the one in the wrong.

From intoxicating to just plain toxic

Many toxic relationships begin with overwhelming affection. The attention feels intoxicating, flattering and deeply connecting. ‘Think intense attention, grand gestures, big promises,’ says Davison. She explains that this intensity can be strategic. ‘They interview you at the start so they can become exactly who you need — long enough to hook you in.’ When that version of the person begins to disappear, the contrast can be deeply destabilising.

Over time, cracks appear. The charm fades, incidents occur — and then come the apologies. ‘The mask slips, then they apologise or charm you back. You stay because you’ve seen how good it can be,’ Davison says. That hope becomes the glue. ‘You’re not in love with who they are — you’re in love with who they pretend to be.’

Isolation as a weapon

Another relationship red flag is you becoming isolated. Again, this rarely happens all at once but instead, it unfolds gradually, often disguised as closeness or concern. ‘It’s a slow erosion,’ Davison explains. ‘It starts with “Let’s stay in tonight” and ends with “Your friends and family are the problem.”’

As external support systems fade, the relationship becomes your primary emotional reference point — making unhealthy dynamics harder to recognise and even harder to leave.

Why boundaries matter early on

In all of these cases, your boundaries don’t disappear overnight — they’re worn down through repeated attacks — which are tolerated. ‘Think of your boundaries like a brick wall. Every time you tolerate bad behaviour, a brick is removed,’ Davison explains. ‘If those moments aren’t challenged early, the damage accumulates. Eventually, there’s nothing left to protect you.’

Toxic dynamics aren’t always obvious. ‘Toxic relationships don’t start toxic. They start intoxicating.’ And many people struggle to accept what’s happening because, as Davison notes, ‘Most people don’t realise how convincingly someone can lie — because they would never do it themselves.’

Reconnecting with your instincts

Over time, coercive control erodes your confidence until you stop trusting your own instincts. Relearning to listen to that inner voice becomes essential. ‘Your instinct is your burglar alarm — but so many people ignore it,’ Davison says. ‘If your house alarm was going you’d take action, but people ignore their own internal alarm. If something feels wrong, that’s enough. Get out of there. You don’t need evidence or permission.’

Ultimately, spotting relationship red flags isn’t about becoming guarded or cynical — it’s about self-respect. As Davison puts it: ‘Recovery isn’t about finding someone new. It’s about coming home to yourself. And when you know what you need, you stop settling for what hurts.’

Meet the Expert Sara Davison is a multi-award winning coach, podcaster, best-selling author, trainer, patron of domestic abuse charity and media commentator