My Perimenopause Diaries: The guide I didn’t see coming

I never imagined that the passing of my mum’s dog would open such a huge portal, as I like to call it.

A ‘portal’ for me means those life moments that shake your core, leading to new possibilities, new opportunities, new ways. Many times they go hand in hand with what some call, a dark night of the soul. In its essence, it’s a transformational voyage.

Since Mum was diagnosed with dementia ten years ago, I’ve made every effort to spend as much time as possible supporting her, her pets, and the family whilst running my coaching firm The Portal of She. For all these years, I’ve been travelling back and forth… Madrid, London… London, Madrid… back to London, back to Madrid, with all the effort, energy, and investment that entailed.

To say that this lifestyle has been exhausting is an understatement; especially while moving through deep hormonal changes, when what my body is craving is stability and the chance to put down roots.

It’s a belief of mine that when our inner world is chaotic and inconsistent, our outer world needs to support us by being as steady, predictable, and grounded as possible.

So, over time caring became part of my identity. It’s a beautiful and honourable role, but one that can slowly consume you; at least, that’s been my experience.

During that time, Dona, that was her name, chose me as her new guardian; slowly our bond grew stronger and stronger.

It took me a while to notice, and to really see her; in that process, something magical was happening. There was something in her presence and confidence, almost ancient, as if she was holding space and a mirror until I was ready to look and become, especially as I carry the imprint of not being seen.

Even after my mother’s passing almost two years ago, I kept travelling back and forth, whilst trying to figure out what was best for the furry gang, especially Dona, who required more care and attention than the rest.

Should I bring her to London with me? That decision had consequences.
Should I continue the back-and-forth trips? That had consequences too.
Should I move back to Madrid? Of course… consequences again.

Every choice came with its own risks… But one thing was crystal clear: those beings were meant to stay within the family, and I was willing to move back to Madrid so I could care for them, guided by love and responsibility.

When my beloved Dona transitioned a few days ago (the vets used to call her “the immortal lady,” because she surpassed all longevity stats for her breed), something profound and totally unexpected happened.

The portal of what and where home is opened.
The portal of self-identity opened.
The portal of motherhood opened.

Holy wow…

It’s all making sense now. As a mystic, I always sensed that Dona was in my life for something profound; however, the depth of what she came to show me and the extent of her teaching is something I could never have fathomed. Only now, in her absence, I am beginning to understand the magnitude, magnificence and perfection of her medicine.

Honouring the wisdom of the animal and plant kingdoms has been part of my path for years… Yet the more I open and surrender to their mystery, the more I see the depth of their support in the evolution of human consciousness.

After all these years, the role of caregiver is beginning to dissolve, and, honestly, that feels both disorienting and liberating…. my ground is shaken, that’s for sure.

And talking about caregivers… how many women have embodied this archetype in one form or another? Mothers, daughters, partners, leaders… so many of us have poured our love, time, and energy into tending others and yet, somewhere along the way, we forget to tend to ourselves.

My job now is to walk through those transformational portals, and integrate other lessons that I’ll keep close to my heart; What’s interesting is that these portals are the very same invitations of Perimenopause, the letting go of identities that have reached their natural end, to finally see ourselves clearly, and to honour and mother ourselves so we can come back home to our bodies and hearts.

To me, what’s common between Perimenopause and loss (although I prefer the word transition) is that every perceived ending is an invitation for love to take new shapes… a portal to a new way of coming home to ourselves.

I am taking the time to grieve, to feel and be in silence as much as possible… while I also face and reconcile with all my would’ves, could’ves, and should’ves…

I don’t know where this will take me, but I trust and I am open to what’s meant to unfold.

One thing I wish I had done more of was to take videos of the simple and ordinary moments with her… because isn’t that what life is made of?

Rest in magic, beauty and joy, my beautiful Dona… You filled my life with so much love and wisdom… you will forever be in my heart.

That’s all for now.

Until next week,

A loving note: I’m sharing my lived experience as a woman who menstruates, knowing that not all women do, and not everyone who menstruates identifies as a woman. This is not advice or a recommendation. If something here inspires you, please research, honour your intuition, check local laws, and seek qualified professional support. Any brands I mention are simply personal favourites; I’m not paid, gifted or affiliated. If that ever changes, I’ll label it clearly. 🧡