5 simple ways to love yourself more

As social media creates unrealistic expectations, coach Tiwalola Adebayo is here to help you love yourself and find inner strength

Words: Tiwalola Adebayo. Images: Shutterstock, Pexels

Look a certain way, be a certain weight, have ‘pilates arms’, use filters, full makeup… the list goes on. Today, especially now we live in a social-media-dominated age, it’s easy for us to start lacking confidence in who we are and how we look.

A 2021 study found that a massive 85% of women do not consider themselves to be attractive, and in a separate study, only one in five women feel confident in their appearance. However, here coach and author Tiwalola Adebayo shares some tips to boost your confidence in yourself and help you to love yourself inside and out.

1. Realise how powerful your body is

Adebayo, who struggled with body confidence herself when she was younger due to seeking external validation from others, says the first step to feel confident and to love yourself and your body was realising how powerful her body was. To build inner confidence, Adebayo would look in the mirror in her underwear, hold different parts of her body gently, and appreciate it.

‘I would look into my eyes and say “I love you”,’ she says. ‘Even if I had spots on my face and didn’t like the way I looked, I would still say I love myself. ‘Over time, those positive affirming actions change your perspective of how you feel about yourself.’ Adebayo believes in ‘body neutrality’ meaning that instead of linking our physical appearance to our self-worth, we can show gratitude and appreciation for our body’s abilities and functions, which can help build a more positive outlook.

Read more: 5 ways to feel more comfortable in your own skin

2. Comparison is the thief of joy

Arden University recently launched the UK’s first confidence index, which found 27% of women compare themselves to someone else on a daily basis. ‘Everybody’s body is different and there’s no such thing as a perfect body,’ Adebayo says. She mentions that in a world of social media, we have to be hyper conscious to realise that a high percentage of images we see have been retouched and edited.

‘It’s important we don’t look at ourselves in the mirror and compare it to an image online,’ she says. ‘Focus on who you are, what you’re made of and don’t let comparison steal your joy.’ When Adebayo finds herself in what she calls ‘Insecurity Olympics’ — a conversation with other women saying things they don’t like about themselves — she works hard to remind everyone they are beautiful in their own way.

3. Create your true, authentic self

Researchers have found that people who scored higher on a measure of authentic living reported greater happiness, more positive emotions, and higher self-esteem than people who reported being less authentic. More authentic people also reported having better relationships with others and more personal growth. ‘You cannot love yourself if you do not know yourself,’ Adebayo says. ‘You cannot show up as your true, authentic self if you do not know yourself.

‘You need to create your true, authentic self on your own terms. If you want to be a confident person, you have to dissect your idea of your identity and recreate the one you want for yourself.’ Using methods such as working out your strengths, what you are passionate about and what your values are will make you more equipped to finding your true self and give you that sense of confidence and acceptance.

4. Keep the promises you make to yourself

Self-sabotage, limiting beliefs and past experiences can creep into our minds and make it difficult to look after ourselves. However, Adebayo says that if you say you are going to do something, you need to do it.

‘If you don’t follow through with action, you don’t get to build your confidence, because confidence feeds on taking action,’ she explains. ‘The more action you take, the more confident you begin to feel in yourself. It’s important to do this and start with small steps and keep the momentum.’

Read more: Overcoming self-doubt: Identify your emotional blind spots

5. Be unapologetically you

The final step is to stop apologising for who you are and embrace yourself, says Adebayo. ‘There’s no point in being the world’s best-kept secret. If you have something special in you, you need to speak up,’ she says. ‘You need to use your voice and share it with the world. There is no confident person who hides their lights or dims their voice.’

Describing confidence as a beautiful feeling with an abundance of freedom tied to it, Adebayo says nobody has the power to make you feel insecure. ‘When you make the decision that you love yourself just the way you are, how you look does not determine your worth,’ she says. ‘You matter simply because you exist. When you move around in the world, move around as somebody who has worth, regardless of how you look, how much money you have, who likes you. ‘Your starting point is that you are good enough.’

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