What if we could stop fighting anxiety? It’s exhausting, isn’t it.
Over the last few months I have noticed an upswing in how anxious I get about my work. Specifically the content side of my work: newsletter, podcast, videos. I wanted to share with you my own personal most effective way of dealing with it.
A good chunk of the anxiety is my old familiar worries about not wanting to upset people, a fear of conflict and probably of people not liking me. In what I am doing, I am treading a line between wanting to condense things down and give them enough nuance, which isn’t always easy. Frankly, that was part of the drive for the podcast: more time than 90 seconds to cover something means more nuance, hopefully.
The doubts I have then start to make it more stressful, because I can really overthink things: did I phrase that right? Is that something someone could misinterpret? I didn’t quite put that in the way I intended to, is that going to be misread? So sometimes it has taken me longer to put things together, which adds to the stress of it. Sometimes I even delete things completely.
The thing with anxiety is: generally, what we want to do is make it go away. So, if I am afraid of accidentally offending people, perhaps if I think things through enough, do enough takes, comb through what I have said and make sure there’s nothing there, then maybe that will be a solution. Maybe that will solve the problem and the anxiety can go away.
Except, of course, it doesn’t.
The reason it doesn’t is because no matter how much overthinking and checking you do, there is always the possibility that the thing you are afraid of will happen anyway. You can never quite get rid of the doubt.
Annoying that, isn’t it?
In my example, to be honest, the only times I have had someone be really harsh to me online is generally because of them being particularly unreasonable, so actually it really is the case that no matter what I put out there, someone could have a problem with it, so there isn’t such a thing as a completely “safe” thing to do.
I had someone recently really have an issue with a story I told about cheerios, for example.
If we can’t make it go away by checking or re-doing things, then instead perhaps we try and tell ourselves to stop being anxious. We try and tell ourselves that it will be OK, that there’s nothing to be scared of, or that I just need to just put on my big boy pants and get on with it. The thing is, that doesn’t really work either. I can’t convince myself nothing bad will happen because I have seen that it can. Is it unreasonable for me to feel anxious about someone being cruel and wanting to avoid that? I don’t think it is, really.
So, instead, when I do deal with this better, it is not about convincing myself that everything will definitely be OK, or trying to think things through in such detail that there is no possibility of a problem.
Instead, it goes something more like this:
“It’s OK to be scared. It is. It is horrible knowing that people can be cruel, I get why you would want to avoid that. However, this is something you really want to do, isn’t it? If it is, then maybe that fear is worth it. Maybe it will always be nerve-wracking to some degree, but one thing we know now is: you can cope better than you thought you could. There have been moments where you have felt upset by things, but actually you’ve dealt with it, and you can deal with it again.”
It’s not about wiping the anxiety out or driving it away, but acknowledging that it is there and recognising that you can do things anyway.
Sometimes in addition, it can be really helpful to picture it. I picture my anxiety as a knot or a ball in my chest, because that is where it sits. I speak to myself calmly and in a soothing tone, and the knot doesn’t seem so angry or overwhelming. Then I can recognise that even when that knot remains, even when it continues to sit there, I can still do things. I can still choose to post something or write something. I can play with my kids or go for a walk, regardless of whether the knot is there.
Sometimes the best thing with anxiety is letting go of the need to fight it and make it go away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to acknowledge it and accept it.
And know that you can still do things, even if the anxiety comes with you.
P.S. It genuinely does feel smaller now I have got to the end of this. Not going to delete this one, just going to post it.
Ted Bradshaw
Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and Coach
My name is Ted Bradshaw (@cbtted on Instagram and TikTok) and my main aim is to make mental health and anxiety in particular much easier to understand. I am a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist accredited by the BABCP and have been working in this area for over 15 years. I am an honorary Assistant Professor of Psychological Therapies at the University of Nottingham and I also work as a coach, accredited by the International Coaching Federation to PCC level. On my first day of training as a therapist, I was immediately annoyed. The things I was learning seemed so useful, and I was confused as to why I had never been taught any of this before, because it would have been so useful. For me, it seemed ridiculous that we would wait until people feel really bad before we offer them any information or insight into how anxiety or how a mind works. That is what led me to look into coaching and it is also why I spend a good deal of my time writing about and making short videos on lots of different aspects of mental health and anxiety in particular. As a parent, I have also found that what I know about anxiety has been so useful to me when dealing with my own children, so a lot of my focus is upon parents understanding anxiety for their children, too. These days in my 1:1 work with enduring mental health issues such as depression. OCD or PTSD, and I also work with people who might not be sure whether it is therapy they need but who are looking to improve something, like confidence or self-esteem. Finally, I also run workshops for schools and businesses on all of these subjects, including how to help an anxious child, good mental health in the workplace and more. You can find me across most social media platforms @cbtted, on Instagram and TikTok in particular.
