“I’m Not Ashamed of My Past Self” – You don’t need shame to prove you’ve grown

“I’m not ashamed of my past self.”
My teenage daughter said it so simply, I almost missed it.
No hesitation. No qualification. Just a statement of fact.
“The past is the past. Today is now.”
And something in me paused – because I realised how differently many of us carry our past.

The quiet expectation of shame
When did we start believing that growth requires embarrassment? That becoming wiser means looking back and wincing?
As adults, we often hold our past like evidence:
• things we said
• choices we made
• versions of ourselves we’ve outgrown
We revisit them with sharper awareness, stronger judgement, and the benefit of hindsight – and somewhere along the way, we absorb the idea that discomfort is proof of progress. That if we don’t feel a little ashamed, perhaps we haven’t grown enough.

A different way of relating
But my daughter’s words offered something else.
She wasn’t dismissing her past.
She wasn’t pretending it hadn’t happened.
She wasn’t rewriting the story.
She appeared to be including it.
Her past self wasn’t something to reject. It was simply… part of her.
And in that, there was a quiet kind of confidence.
You don’t need shame to prove you’ve grown
We judge our past selves with knowledge we didn’t have at the time.
We expect emotional maturity from versions of us who were still learning. Still navigating. Still becoming.
Of course we would do things differently now.
That’s what growth is.

But growth doesn’t require us to turn against who we were.
It doesn’t ask us to carry embarrassment as evidence.
It asks for something far more demanding – and far more freeing:
Understanding.

Seeing ourselves in context
Psychologist Kristin Neff speaks about self-compassion as treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer someone else.
Seen this way, our past selves begin to shift.
Not naïve.
Not flawed.
But operating with the capacity, awareness, and resources available at the time.
We don’t need to excuse everything.
But we can allow for context.

Identity is allowed to evolve
Perhaps the deeper challenge is this:
We tend to believe identity should be consistent.
Stable. Coherent. Fixed.
So when we look back and see difference—see growth—it can feel uncomfortable. Even disorienting.

But what if that difference is the point?
What if identity isn’t something we get “right,” but something that unfolds?
If that’s true, then our past selves are not mistakes to distance ourselves from.
They are stages we’ve moved through.
Necessary. Imperfect. Human.

The freedom of “today is now”
There is something quietly powerful in what she said next:
“The past is the past. Today is now.”
Not as avoidance. Not as dismissal.
But as orientation.
So often, we stay mentally tethered to earlier versions of ourselves – replaying, re-evaluating, quietly judging.
But the present asks something different.
To acknowledge what has been.
To take what matters.
And then to return – to where we actually are.
Here.
Now.

What I’m learning
I’m not sure I would have said it so easily at her age.
I’m not sure I always can now.
But I’m beginning to understand what she meant.
That growth doesn’t need to be proven through discomfort.
That change doesn’t require self-rejection.
That who I was… was enough for that moment.

“I’m not ashamed of my past self.”
Not because everything was right.
Not because I wouldn’t choose differently now.
But because it was mine.
And I don’t need shame to prove that I’ve grown.

I’m Sarah Cretegny, a Transformational Transitions Coach. I create brave spaces where individuals, groups and teams can reconnect with who they truly are, so they can lead with greater clarity, courage, and purpose, even in uncertain times.
I’m particularly effective when time is limited and the stakes are high. I draw on evidence-based coaching approaches, strengths expertise, and my lived experience of balancing leadership, family life, and international living. I’m deeply passionate about partnering with people to coach their wild, because the world needs more authentic sustainable leadership now more than ever.
I live in Lausanne, Switzerland and coach virtually globally. linktr.ee/discover.your.wild