Is my colleague suffering from abuse? The subtle signs we often misunderstand

Many people suffering from abuse carry its impact into the workplace. From missed deadlines to heightened anxiety, recognising these subtle signals can help colleagues feel seen, supported, and less isolated.

We tend to think of domestic abuse as something visible. A bruise. A raised voice. A dramatic crisis that spills into public view. But in reality, abuse is often quiet, controlled and carefully concealed — and sometimes the only place it shows is at work.

“Abuse doesn’t have to leave a bruise to leave damage,” says divorce coach and domestic abuse campaigner Sara Davison. “It can be emotional, psychological, financial. And it can be almost impossible to spot unless you understand the patterns.”

For many people suffering from abuse, the workplace may be the only space where they have a degree of independence. Yet the signs of what’s happening at home are frequently misread as poor performance, disengagement or lack of professionalism.

The performance dip that isn’t what it seems

One of the most common — and misunderstood — signs is a sudden change in reliability.

“HR teams often see someone who’s repeatedly late, distracted or missing deadlines and assume they’ve lost motivation,” Davison explains. “But sometimes there’s another story entirely.”

She recently worked with a company that had begun disciplinary proceedings against an employee whose behaviour had shifted dramatically over the course of a year. She was often late. She seemed anxious and distracted. Her once-strong performance had dipped. Her confidence had evaporated. Her work laptop had been sent for repair multiple times because keys kept malfunctioning.

What her employer didn’t know was what was happening at home.

Her husband had begun locking her in the house in the mornings so she couldn’t leave for work. He hid her car keys. On several occasions, he slashed her tyres so she physically couldn’t drive. At night, while she slept, he snapped keys off her laptop keyboard. Small, almost unnoticeable damage — just enough to make her look careless. Just enough to undermine her credibility.

“She was too frightened to tell them,” Davison says. “To colleagues, he was charming. He came to work socials. People thought she was lucky to have such a good-looking, fun husband.”

Behind closed doors was a very different reality — a life suffering from abuse that few could see.

Understanding coercive control

Coercive control has been illegal in the UK since 2015, yet it remains difficult to identify because it rarely presents as a single dramatic event. Instead, it’s a pattern — subtle, persistent and eroding.

“Coercive control is emotional and psychological,” says Davison. “It’s designed to create self-doubt.”

It might look like:

• Rewriting what happened during an argument
• Denying things that were clearly said or done
• Persistent put-downs framed as jokes
• Monitoring movements, messages or spending
• Gradually isolating someone from friends, family or colleagues
• Creating practical obstacles that interfere with their independence

“They can tell lies with total certainty, look you in the eyes with complete conviction — and you start to doubt yourself,” Davison explains. “Self-doubt is where you stop listening to your instinct.”

A capable professional may suddenly seem indecisive. A previously confident voice may grow quieter in meetings. Someone who once managed complex projects might begin second-guessing basic decisions.

“They’re often not even sure what’s real anymore,” Davison says. “When someone constantly rewrites reality, you start to believe you might be the problem.”

Subtle signs someone might be suffering from abuse

None of these signs automatically indicate abuse. Patterns matter more than isolated incidents. But sustained changes deserve gentle attention.

You might notice:

• A previously reliable colleague becoming frequently late without clear explanation
• Repeated “accidental” tech damage or lost equipment
• Heightened anxiety around checking their phone
• Panic if they miss a call or message
• A dramatic drop in self-esteem or confidence
• Withdrawal from team lunches or after-work events
• A partner who inserts themselves into workplace spaces or monitors them closely
• Increasing isolation from friends and support networks

How to respond if you suspect a colleague is suffering from abuse

If you suspect a colleague might be experiencing abuse, sensitivity matters more than certainty.

You don’t need proof. And you don’t need to confront the partner or attempt to “fix” the situation.

Instead:

• Create a private, calm space to check in. A simple “I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself lately — is everything okay?” can open a door.
• Listen without judgement. Avoid minimising or offering instant solutions. Don’t say, “Why don’t you just leave?”
• Believe what you’re told. Being believed is often the first step in breaking isolation.
• Signpost support. Offer information about confidential workplace policies, employee assistance programmes or national helplines.

And crucially, respect their autonomy. Change is complex. Your role is not to make decisions for them — but to ensure they feel seen and supported.

Why awareness matters

Abuse does not only happen in certain households or certain postcodes. It affects professionals, high achievers, men and women, across industries and backgrounds.

“We used to tolerate things that we now recognise as abuse,” Davison says. “Now we have more language, more awareness — but we still miss it because it doesn’t look how we expect.”

For someone suffering from abuse, the office may represent financial independence, adult identity and even a few hours of psychological breathing space.

Which means noticing — gently and compassionately — could make more difference than you realise.

If you’re experiencing domestic abuse in the UK, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) or visit Refuge for confidential support. In an emergency, call 999.
Images: Shutterstock

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