I feel lonely and have no meaningful relationships

Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers words of wisdom to help with whatever is troubling you

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I feel lonely and have no meaningful relationships

Q. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. I am married with a son and we live in an affluent area, but Iโ€™ve never really felt a proper connection with the people who like to โ€˜keep up with the Jonesesโ€™, and are pushy parents.

My husband works away a lot. I have a few friends, but no one with whom I feel a deep bond. I always seem to be the one making the effort to contact people, which is not easy for me as I am a person who fears rejection. What can I do? Name supplied

A. Congratulations for having the courage to admit these feelings โ€“ research suggests that one in five British people feels lonely, but saying so is much more difficult. Ironically, most people identify with the statement, โ€˜I feel like a bit of an outsider.โ€™ An element of being vulnerable is what we need for deep connection. In the words of the song Lean On Me: โ€˜No one can fill those of your needs that you wonโ€™t let show.โ€™

Please check with your GP to rule out other symptoms. Iโ€™m not sure how old your son is, but post-natal depression can kick in later than you think, and other issues, such as thyroid problems, can make everyday tasks feel like a big effort. Other than that, finding an exercise class, or a group centred around whatever you want to learn about or do next, will help. This information from Mind is useful. 

My own mantra, when I lived in Paris at the age of 23 โ€“ also a glamorous but lonely environment โ€“ was: โ€˜You meet people that you like when youโ€™re doing things you like.โ€™ What sort of thing have you enjoyed in the past? Could you share a skill as a volunteer โ€“ reading at a story-telling group in your local library, perhaps, or befriending an elderly person with The Silver Line? The amazing benefit of helping others is that itโ€™s one of the best ways of helping ourselves. I would normally describe myself as an atheist, but this one fact almost makes me believe in a divine plan.

I have faith that you are one proper conversation away from feeling better.

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โ€˜MARYโ€™ in the subject line.

Photograph: iStock

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