‘I felt love draining quietly away’: why emotional safety is the missing link between desire and lasting intimacy

A psychotherapist explains how the nervous system shapes trust and connection – and why emotional safety is key to maintaining intimacy

One of my friends recently shocked our WhatsApp group with the news that she was getting a divorce. They’d been married 20 years, two lovely kids, nice house. It all looked perfect in the pictures she shared. Everyone was horrified. Except me.

After spending time with them, it was no surprise at all. It wasn’t that they argued all the time, far from it. But the eye rolls, the tutting, the barbs made it clear that neither of them was happy. This is how it often happens: emotional intimacy does not collapse suddenly. More often, it fades quietly — not because love disappears, but because safety does.

‘Desire doesn’t bloom under pressure,’ says Dr Isabel Kloiber, integrative psychotherapist and co-founder of mental health platform Auxylia. ‘It unfolds in safety. When people feel emotionally protected rather than evaluated, closeness and attraction arise organically.’

In her clinical work, Dr Kloiber regularly sees people arrive in therapy convinced something is ‘wrong’ with their relationship — or with themselves — when the deeper issue is far simpler. Their nervous system no longer feels safe enough to stay open.

What emotional safety really looks like in a relationship

Emotional safety is not dramatic or glamorous. It does not announce itself through grand gestures or constant reassurance. Instead, it shows up in everyday interactions. ‘It’s when you can express irritation or vulnerability and trust it won’t be used against you,’ Dr Kloiber explains. ‘It’s the ease of sitting together in silence, or being able to disagree and still feel close.’

These ordinary moments are where connection is either strengthened or quietly weakened. When someone feels listened to, respected, and met with empathy rather than defensiveness, the body begins to relax. Over time, this steady experience becomes the foundation for trust, affection and desire.

How the nervous system senses emotional unsafety

One of the reasons emotional safety is so easily misunderstood is that it operates largely below conscious awareness. ‘Subtle unsafety begins beneath the surface,’ says Dr Kloiber. ‘The nervous system senses threat long before the mind names it.’ A dismissive tone, withdrawal of eye contact or inconsistency in behaviour can register as danger, even if nothing overtly harmful is said. The body responds automatically: muscles tense, breathing becomes shallow, and openness shrinks.

‘We move from curiosity to caution,’ she explains. ‘From wanting connection to managing risk.’ In therapy, Dr Kloiber often sees how these micro-signals accumulate over time, teaching the body that vulnerability is unsafe. Until safety is restored — through empathy, attunement and reliability — emotional intimacy struggles to deepen.

Why pressure shuts down desire

Expectation, even when well-intended, can have a powerful impact on intimacy. Dr Kloiber explains that pressure shifts connection from a spontaneous exchange into a performance. ‘When someone feels measured or required to respond in a certain way — sexually, emotionally or even conversationally — the nervous system moves into protection,’ she says.

Desire and responsiveness thrive in freedom, not obligation. In her work with couples, Dr Kloiber often sees connection return once pressure lifts and curiosity replaces expectation. ‘When we replace “should” with genuine presence,’ she explains, ‘responsiveness reawakens, because our natural openness only unfolds where it’s safe to be fully ourselves.’

Everyday relationship behaviours that erode emotional safety

While many people associate relationship breakdown with major betrayals, emotional safety is more often eroded through small, repeated moments. ‘Eye-rolling, sarcasm, interruptions and emotional withdrawal quietly teach the nervous system that honesty is risky,’ says Dr Kloiber.

Over time, partners may feel unseen, corrected or met with defensiveness. Rather than speaking openly, they begin to edit themselves or withdraw emotionally. Dr Kloiber describes this as relational ‘micro-fracturing’. ‘Nothing breaks loudly,’ she explains. ‘But connection weakens quietly.’

Repair begins with awareness — noticing these patterns and intentionally replacing criticism with curiosity, and assumption with genuine listening.

What happens when emotional safety is rebuilt

When emotional safety is patiently restored, the shift is noticeable — not just emotionally, but physically. ‘The body exhales,’ says Dr Kloiber. ‘Defensiveness softens, curiosity returns, and partners start meeting each other without armour.’

Over time, the nervous system learns that closeness no longer requires self-protection. Affection feels freer, humour reappears, and desire begins to stir naturally. Dr Kloiber emphasises that safety is not a static state, but a lived rhythm — built through consistency, empathy and repair.

Trust, she explains, is not only a mental agreement. It is deeply physiological. ‘When we trust, muscles unclench, breathing deepens and the heart rate steadies,’ she says. ‘The nervous system shifts from vigilance to receptivity.’

In that state, warmth, playfulness and sensuality can emerge without force. The body becomes willing to be touched, seen and emotionally held without flinching. ‘It’s as though the body finally believes, “I can rest here”,’ she says.

One question that reveals how emotionally safe you feel

To assess emotional safety honestly, Dr Kloiber suggests asking yourself one simple question: ‘Can I stay open when I feel uncertain or hurt?’ ‘Safety isn’t about never feeling discomfort,’ she explains. ‘It’s about knowing honesty won’t lead to rejection or ridicule.’

If your body tightens, your words edit themselves or you find yourself anticipating someone’s reaction before you speak, these are quiet signals of unsafety — not judgements, but information. Because when emotional safety is present, love stops needing proof. It becomes something you can finally relax into — and from that place, everything else begins to grow.

Meet the Expert Dr Isabel Kloiber is an integrative psychotherapist and co-founder of mental health platform, Auxylia, a mental health platform grounded in psychology, built with empathy, and designed for real-world use