Why being single can be a chance to reconnect with yourself

Research shows that single women are as happy and fulfilled as their married counterparts, but negative stereotypes persist. Ellen Tout, a millennial who is watching her friends settle down, tells it as it is

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Why being single can be a chance to reconnect with yourself

‘Iโ€™ve built a fulfulling, exciting life around what matters to meโ€™ says Ellen Tout, 26, Psychologies’ editorial assistant…

A year ago, I sat on my friendโ€™s sofa feeling deflated as we watched the fireworks signal the start of a new year. My six-year relationship had recently ended, and the prospect of being single terrified me. I felt lost; blindsided. I could not have imagined then how much would change in a year; how I would love the fun, freedom and opportunities of single life; and what a strong person I would become.

I had been with my ex since the age of 19 and, when youโ€™re in a relationship for most of your adult life, itโ€™s difficult to remember who you are without the other person. The rug had been pulled out from under me.

Tempting as it was initially to look for someone new, I felt it would be a good idea to stay single for a time. And, gradually, I started to notice a few changes. Rather than rushing around trying to please others, I could put myself first, and I did. I had always dreamed of a career in journalism and, when the job at Psychologies came up, I applied. In my old life, I would have looked, thought โ€˜if only…โ€™ and found an excuse not to try. I had lost my drive. Now, Iโ€™m on the career path I had always wanted.

Being single is not always easy, and sometimes I wish I had someone other than my dog to cuddle, but I love the freedom of being able to watch TV uninterrupted, practise yoga or relax in the bath. Building a support network and initiating social events have been important. Iโ€™ve rekindled old friendships and, by accepting invitations I may previously have turned down, Iโ€™ve met inspiring new people, too.

When my grandad died, my dog became ill and I moved house, all within the space of a week, I felt overwhelmed. How was I supposed to cope with all of it on my own? But I got home from work to find cards from friends: โ€˜Iโ€™m always here, just pick up the phone,โ€™ wrote Julia. I felt lifted and loved. People may perceive singletons as lonely, but I now feel more connected to my friends and family.

I recently met some old school friends. One is engaged, one has bought a house with her boyfriend and another is buying a second flat with her partner. I was surprised, but I didnโ€™t feel envious. I left feeling happy and free. I never expected to be โ€˜the single oneโ€™, but I love the independence; feeling unrestricted. I have found myself again.

Travelling is also an ambition and, this autumn, I went to Iceland as well as Switzerland, plus spent two weeks on a trek along the Great Wall of China. Hiking with 50 strangers was life-changing and a massive confidence boost โ€“ and, a year ago, I would never have considered it.

I donโ€™t think Iโ€™ll be single forever, but Iโ€™m not actively looking for someone. Iโ€™m more excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. Iโ€™ve learned that being in a relationship isnโ€™t the only way to find happiness and fulfilment. Iโ€™ve found these by building my life around the things that matter to me: time in nature, family, a job I enjoy and connecting with friends. When everything I thought I knew fell apart, it was my chance to reconnect with myself.

Photograph: iStock

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