‘I’m invisible in my relationship’: expert advice on how to reconnect as a couple after having kids

A new baby strains even strong relationships, but understanding hidden pressures and staying connected can future-proof your bond in a tough season

Becoming parents is often described as one of life’s most meaningful milestones. Yet behind the joy, many couples are quietly grappling with exhaustion, emotional distance and a sense that their relationship has fundamentally changed. For some, the early years of raising young children can feel less like a shared adventure and more like survival mode. Desperate to learn how to reconnect as a couple after having kids? You’re not the only one.

According to relationship coach Rachel Childs, who supports parents through her company Parents that Work, this experience is far more common than couples realise — and it doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. ‘Early parenthood is one of the biggest identity and relationship transitions we experience as adults,’ she explains. ‘But we’re rarely prepared for how profoundly it can reshape our emotional connection, communication and sense of self.’

The quiet build-up of resentment

Many couples enter parenthood assuming responsibilities will naturally be shared ‘equally,’ without ever defining what equality looks like in the reality of sleep deprivation, feeding schedules and relentless mental demands. In practice, unequal parental leave and deeply embedded gender norms often result in mothers carrying the majority of the mental load, emotional labour and identity sacrifice.

‘Resentment doesn’t grow because partners don’t care,’ says Childs. ‘It grows because imbalance goes unspoken for too long.’

Rather than arriving dramatically, resentment often creeps in subtly. It shows up as scorekeeping, chronic irritation over small things, or a shift in how partners interpret one another’s intentions. Small missteps feel personal, and generosity gives way to defensiveness. ‘What’s really happening is that one or both partners feel unseen, unsupported or overwhelmed — but don’t yet have the language or space to say it.’

Why small arguments start to dominate

Sleep deprivation, stress and cognitive overload significantly reduce emotional regulation. As a result, small, seemingly trivial issues escalate quickly — not because they matter in isolation, but because they represent deeper unmet needs.

‘When the mental load is uneven, partners can feel emotionally alone even while sharing the same space,’ Childs explains. ‘Bickering becomes a signal that something deeper needs attention.’

Interrupting this cycle requires slowing conflict before it spirals. Taking a pause, naming the underlying feeling (‘I’m feeling overwhelmed’), and shifting from blame to curiosity (‘What would help right now?’) can prevent small moments from hardening into long-term resentment.

When conversations become purely practical

One of the most common relationship shifts during early parenthood is that couples stop talking as partners and start communicating only as organisers. Conversations revolve around nappies, calendars, school bags and who’s doing what next.

‘When every interaction is logistical, emotional intimacy gets squeezed out,’ says Childs.

In order to help you reconnect as a couple, she suggests deliberately containing the admin. Scheduling a weekly planning meeting — complete with an agenda — helps make the invisible mental load visible and shared. Crucially, it also frees everyday interactions for warmth, humour and emotional presence.

‘This allows couples to reconnect as people who chose each other, not just co-managers of family life.’

Identity, attraction and emotional closeness

Becoming parents doesn’t eliminate attraction — but it does disrupt it. Identity, autonomy, confidence and energy all change, which can temporarily affect how partners see themselves and each other. ‘Many couples panic when attraction shifts and assume something has gone wrong,’ Childs explains. ‘In reality, this is a normal response to a major life transition.’

Couples navigate this phase more successfully when they name the change openly, remain curious about each other’s experience, and resist interpreting distance as rejection or failure.

Navigating feeling ‘touched out’

Sometimes pressure builds around sex. Have you done it since having the baby? Is it as often as before? Is it okay to do it with the baby in the room? Another issue is the sensation of feeling ‘touched out’ — whereby when you spend all day holding, cuddling and feeding, and the last thing you want when it comes to your bedtime is more physical contact. These issues all need talking about — but ideally not wen one of you has just made a romantic move.

‘These conversations work best when affection is separated from expectation,’ says Childs. ‘Naming the experience without judgement, and reassuring each other that desire often returns through support, rest and autonomy—not pressure—creates safety rather than shutdown.’

Redefining intimacy when sex feels like another demand

During periods when sex does feels difficult or infrequent, intimacy can — and should — be redefined. Emotional validation, affectionate touch without escalation, shared laughter and genuine appreciation all help maintain closeness.

‘These moments rebuild the emotional foundation that sexual intimacy rests on,’ Childs explains. ‘Research also shows that when the mental load is shared more equitably, desire is more likely to return naturally.’

Images: Shuttterstock

Protecting the relationship during a demanding season

Perhaps the most important mindset shift for couples is recognising parenthood as a season, not a verdict on the relationship, and to remember that it is possible for them to reconnect as a couple.

‘We’re parenting in an era of intensive expectations, dual incomes, and systems that still assume a stay-at-home parent,’ says Childs. ‘That mismatch places enormous strain on couples.’

Rather than asking, What’s wrong with us? she encourages couples to ask, What’s being asked of us right now?

‘This reframing helps couples meet early parenthood with teamwork, compassion and patience — rather than self-blame. The goal isn’t perfection, but staying emotionally connected while navigating one of the hardest phases of adult life.’

Meet the Expert Rachel Childs is a relationship coach, founder of Parents That Work, author, podcast co-host and expert speaker at The Baby Show, which returns to Excel London from 6–8 March. Find out more at www.thebabyshow.co.uk/excel.