Learning this saved my relationship — but most couples never try it

Curiosity is one of the strongest predictors of emotional connection — yet in many long-term relationships it’s often the first thing to disappear

Here, relationship expert Karen Thom explores why often it’s what you don’t say that quietly dismantles emotional intimacy.

All too often, curiosity quietly disappears from long-term relationships — and missed moments, unasked questions, and small signals erode emotional connection long before affection fades.

But curiosity doesn’t disappear because love does. It disappears when cynicism moves in.

At the beginning, we’re curious because we don’t yet have a case file on the other person. We’re open. We’re interested. Even the quirks feel charming because they haven’t been logged as evidence yet.

All the things we don’t say

Over time, unspoken conversations start stacking up. Little moments where something lands badly. Needs not voiced. Resentments not cleared. Conversations not had. Instead of staying curious, we start collecting tokens — proof of misdemeanours we can’t quite name but absolutely feel.

The longer that goes on, the harder it becomes to wonder about your partner’s inner world, because you’re only seeing them through the lens of what they get wrong. Curiosity can’t survive when you’re running an internal prosecution.

Affection doesn’t vanish overnight. Curiosity does. And once curiosity goes, connection becomes mechanical.

World-renowned marriage experts John and Julie Gottman, married themselves for over 50 years, say they can tell within an hour whether a couple is likely to divorce. Not because of the big arguments, but because of how couples communicate around conflict.

And also because of the tells. Those tiny signals we send when we’re looking for attention, reassurance, or emotional connection — and what happens when they’re missed.

What do couples mistake for ‘good communication’?

Often, couples confuse coordination with communication. They’re organised. Efficient. Running a tight operation. Kids, schedules, meals, holidays, logistics all handled. And from the outside it looks like teamwork. But that isn’t emotional communication. That’s operational management.

Real communication requires listening without pre-loading a response. It means asking questions that don’t end in yes or no. It means staying with what’s being said instead of jumping in with assumptions, fixes, comparisons, or corrections.

Most people aren’t listening — they’re waiting for their turn to talk. Or worse, they interrupt because they already ‘know where this is going.’ If couples asked just three to five genuine follow-up questions instead of reacting, they’d be shocked by the conversations they end up having.

Why can asking about needs feel riskier than arguing?

Arguing is familiar. Asking is vulnerable. We all come into relationships with very different templates for conflict. If you grew up in a house where things were avoided or met with silence, asking for what you need can feel terrifying. If you grew up where emotions were loud and expressive, silence can feel like rejection.

Add to that the internal rehearsals — the conversations we’ve played out in our heads a thousand times before they ever happen. By the time we speak, the moment already feels so big. So we don’t ask. We argue instead. Or we stay quiet and store it away.

Something to consider: if something matters to you and you don’t voice it, what you may really be saying is, ‘I don’t fully believe I deserve this.’ That’s when asking feels risky, because it touches worth. It’s a Pandora’s box, and we’re not always ready to go there.

How is curiosity different from problem-solving or fixing?

Curiosity is about understanding. Fixing is about control. When we’re curious, we want to know how this person experiences the world — not how we would, not how someone else did, not how to make it go away. Curiosity asks open questions. It stays present. It listens for nuance, tone, hesitation, energy.

Fixing skips all of that. It hears a problem and jumps straight to solutions.
‘I’ve seen this before.’
‘Here’s what you should do.’
‘Try this.’

The moment you’re fixing, you’ve stopped listening. Curiosity lives in the soul space. Fixing lives in the head. They are not the same conversation.

How does sustained curiosity build emotional connection over time?

Trust grows when someone feels seen, known, and taken seriously. Every time you stay curious — especially when it would be easier to assume — you send a signal: you matter. What you think matters. How you experience things matters. It’s not one big moment. It’s small, repeated acts. Brick by brick. Question by question. Check-in by check-in. That’s how emotional safety is built. And safety is what makes vulnerability possible.

Why does emotional curiosity quietly protect intimacy?

Because bodies change. Needs change. Desire changes. Life changes. What felt good once might not feel good now. Hormones shift. Energy shifts. Menopause alone can completely alter how women experience intimacy, and men go through their own hormonal changes too. Curiosity keeps intimacy alive because it keeps the conversation current.

And it’s not just about words. We have more than one sense. Curiosity shows up in tone. In presence. In how you enter a room.
Eye contact. A gentle touch. A kiss. A wink. A hand on an arm. Those are all questions too — just non-verbal ones. Intimacy erodes not from lack of love, but from lack of attunement.

What question helps partners find deeper emotional connection?

Start simple. Especially if things feel strained. ‘Tell me what’s been coming up for you this week.’ Then stop talking. Don’t jump in. Listen to the words, the tone, the pauses. Watch the body language. Use all your senses, not just your ears.

Reflect what you notice: I can hear that was hard.
It looks like that really hurt you.
I sense you didn’t like that.

When you listen to the whole person — not just their sentences — conversations go places you didn’t expect. And that’s where connection lives.

Meet the Expert Karen Thom is a women’s reconnection coach who understands the challenges of feeling lost and unfulfilled, and knows the incredible impact that dedicated support and guidance can have. Coaching has empowered her to live a more purposeful life, and she is committed to helping others experience the same transformation.