‘I was a doormat — I don’t want my daughter to be one.’ Are we raising a generation that feels okay saying ‘no’?

Exploring the psychology behind children, boundaries and guilt-free self-care — and what it means for our kids

For decades, we have been taught that psychological health boils down to resilience: the ability to cope, endure and push through. Emotional strength meant not being derailed. Independence meant not needing too much. In subtle ways, many adults internalised the idea that having needs was acceptable — but expressing them was another matter entirely.

Now, there are signs that this may be shifting.

Psychologist and bestselling author Suzy Reading believes we are witnessing a generational recalibration in how young people relate to their own limits — and, crucially, how much guilt they attach to them.

‘I see it in my own kids,’ she says. ‘There isn’t the same guilt over, “I’m going to go and do this thing for me.”’

That absence of guilt is psychologically significant. Guilt is a social emotion: it regulates belonging. When people feel guilty for resting, declining invitations or prioritising themselves, it usually reflects an internalised fear of disappointing others. To act without that reflex suggests a different internal framework — one in which self-consideration is not automatically equated with selfishness.

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Why younger generations feel less guilty about boundaries and self-care

Reading has noticed this most clearly in young people’s relationship with risk and excess.

‘There’s a real trend in the younger generation to say, “I don’t want to go out and get trashed,”’ she says. ‘They’ve got a different relationship with alcohol, with smoking, with risk-taking behaviours. There’s more of an awareness of, “I want to live a life that allows me to enjoy it fully.” And they don’t feel bad about it.’

Previous generations often treated overextension — socially, professionally, emotionally — as a rite of passage. Pushing limits was normalised. Opting out required explanation.

What Reading observes now is less about restraint and more about intentionality. The decision not to participate isn’t framed as moral superiority or deprivation; it’s preference. It reflects an ability to assess what feels aligned — and to choose accordingly.

Psychologically, that suggests stronger interoceptive awareness: the capacity to register internal signals and trust them. It also implies reduced social penalty for acting on those signals.

Cultural shifts in mental health, consent and emotional literacy

Cultural messaging appears to be evolving alongside this shift. After taking her teenage daughter to see a film she herself had enjoyed as a teen in the 90s, Reading now found herself bristling at the dated portrayal of women. ‘I was starting to feel uncomfortable,’ she says. ‘And my daughter said, “Mum, don’t worry about it. That’s just not how things are anymore.”’

For Reading, the moment felt quietly hopeful. ‘Things are definitely changing.’

The exchange highlights a broader transformation. Younger generations have grown up immersed in conversations about consent, boundaries and mental health. Emotional literacy is no longer peripheral; it is embedded in school curricula, social media discourse and peer dialogue. The language of ‘triggers’, ‘red flags’ and ‘capacity’ may sometimes be overused, but it reflects familiarity with internal experience.

Importantly, this does not mean young people are free from pressure. Digital life introduces new forms of comparison and visibility. Achievement culture persists. But the narrative around self-neglect appears less heroic than it once was.

Where older models of adulthood often rewarded stoicism, the emerging model seems to reward sustainability. The question is shifting from ‘How much can I endure?’ to ‘What actually supports me?’

The long-term impact of early emotional validation on children’s mental health

Reading doesn’t suggest that her book, How to Be Selfish, is necessarily required reading for every teenager. In fact, she jokes that her own daughter may not need it.

‘She’s had a mum saying to her, “Your feelings are welcome,”’ she says. ‘That makes an enormous difference to how she feels about them.’

That early validation may be more powerful than we realise. Developmental psychology consistently shows that when children experience their internal world as acknowledged rather than dismissed, they are more likely to form secure self-concepts. They learn that emotions are data, not threats. Needs become information, not inconveniences. And the result is a happier, healthier generation, who see self-care as a right, or even an essential, not a privilege..

Meet the Expert Suzy Reading is a bestselling author, qualified psychologist, yoga teacher and health & fitness coach.