My Perimenopause Diaries: When I stopped waiting to be seen
I thought my biggest challenge was perimenopause. It turns out my biggest challenge was something much older: the need to be seen.
I missed you.
How are you?
Where shall I begin? It has been many months since we last met… Months in which, from the outside, very little seemed to happen.
You know… no major announcements, no dramatic life changes, no adventures, no sitting in ceremony with sacred plants, no sharing my work on social media, no falling madly in love with the love of my life…
And yet, on the inside… ouuuf… on the inside entire continents shifted!
Do you know what… It actually feels good to be quiet, in silence, solitude and not being out there; is it confronting? Oh mon dieu, yes! And it is nourishing too…
Ok… I know where to begin…
Do you remember last summer when I immersed myself studying a jungle plant called Bobinsana?
This plant grows natively in the Amazon and is found along the muddy banks of rivers and streams… Shamans often share the teaching that her roots reach seven times deeper into the earth than her branches reach toward the sky…
This profound wisdom sat with me ever since… I have been studying what it truly takes to be grounded… not only the barefoot-on-the-grass version (a practice I loooove!), but I am referring to the type of grounding that allows a woman to remain in her centre no matter what… like Bobinsana.
In her centre… that’s right…
I believe that our routines, practices, the ability to hold ourselves, being present, our connection to nature, being in tune with our hormonal cycle, our relationship with silence, being anchored in one place (This one’s for me as I am between two countries)… all are important to get grounded… yet is not it…
HOWEVER! I recently stumbled upon an insight that, although I was kinda aware of it, I hadn’t truly embodied it; and when I finally did, it shattered my understanding into a thousand pieces.
I realised that for most of my life I have been wanting to grow roots in other people and circumstances, for example, when wanting to be understood, acknowledged or appreciated… I thought I had extensively done the kind of inner work required to transmute those aspects, normally linked to our inner docile little girl.
Basically, what I was craving was to be seen.
The thing is, I never realised how much of my energy was tied up in making sure I was being seen! And how ungrounded it kept me!
It’s freaking crazy how sneaky the need to be seen is! It will make sure it fulfills its mission in the most sophisticated of ways!
It even hides behind some very noble behaviours, such as having strong personal values, morals and opinions… I am actually cringing right now, thinking about it.
For the past few years, I have been unpacking the many messages of perimenopause… Because midlife exposes so much, right?
Then it hit me.
Maybe, and only maybe, the deep emotional exhaustion wasn’t only coming from the symptoms or when not honouring my rest…
Because what if it was also coming from years of unconsciously seeking to be seen by people and in places that could never truly provide it? Plus, in truth, what is it exactly that I wanted them to see?
Even if the people I wanted to see me finally did, it wouldn’t heal the part of me that couldn’t see myself… and what needed to be seen is so profound that it could never ever ever ever come from the outside.
And breathe out…
So how am I embedding this new awareness? I have incorporated in my life one “simple” question, especially for certain testing moments:
“Is this coming from love or from fear?”
The answer tells me everything I need to know… to see and get grounded in myself more and more and more and more…
And breathe out again…
See you soon, dear diary…
A loving note: I’m sharing my lived experience as a woman who menstruates, knowing that not all women do, and not everyone who menstruates identifies as a woman. This is not advice or a recommendation. If something here inspires you, please research, honour your intuition, check local laws, and seek qualified professional support. Any brands I mention are simply personal favourites; I’m not paid, gifted or affiliated. If that ever changes, I’ll label it clearly. 🌹
Coach Lara Khalaf
The Portal of She | Evolving Feminine Leadership
“She remembered who she was, and the game changed.” This Lalah Delia quote captures the essence of my work. After over two decades in senior leadership roles across corporate, private, and public sectors, I stepped away to found The Portal of She Consulting, a space devoted to supporting women in organisations through leadership development (with a focus on women navigating perimenopause), 1:1 containers, corporate training, and empowerment circles. I’m also a mystic; my path with traditional plant practices and herbalism has deepened my connection to the feminine and to life’s great mystery. Currently moving through the wild and wise portal of perimenopause, I am delighted to be a contributing author to the #1 bestselling book: Menopause-Wise Women Don’t Whisper. Beyond work, I am nourished by nature, writing, poetry, cacao, street art, Mother Mary, and the love of my animals. I am based between the UK and Spain. To close, I would like to say that may my words awaken something beautiful within you and may you remember. With love.
