“You know it is real love when it drives you crazy.” Erm, no.
I love a pop song, me.
However, I do flinch and cringe a little bit when I come across a particular theme that sticks out, not just in pop songs, but in a lot of music written about love. Namely, it is when the songs say things like:
“You know it’s real love when it drives you crazy.”
That’s not a quote from a real song (because frankly I don’t know where I stand legally in quoting songs, so I thought I would just avoid it) but it’s a repeated message in one form or another in so many of them.
It’s not just songs, either. It happens in sitcoms and romcoms too: this message that if you argue a lot with someone, if they are really mean to you, rude to you or they infuriate you, then that is a sign of passion, and that this is in turn a sign of true love. Not only that, but the idea that if you aren’t arguing and fighting, then this must not be love.
It really annoys me. Actually, to be honest, it doesn’t only annoy me, it scares me.
The reason that it scares me is that the message that fights, arguments and meanness are something to be actively looked for in a relationship, and maybe that they are actually a positive sign, or a proof that there is deep passion and feeling, can be deeply unhelpful.
If this belief about relationships and love exists, when someone is mean, thoughtless or bullying towards us, we might find it hard to recognise this as something that isn’t right or isn’t working, because this is how it is supposed to be, isn’t it? Not only this, but bullies actually use this messaging to explain away or minimise their behaviour, or even to paint their problematic behaviour as proof of love:
“I only get that way because I love you so much.”
I want my kids to know that being driven crazy by a person and their behaviour in a relationship is not proof of passion or love and in fact I would go the opposite way: the person you are with should make you feel safe, first and foremost.
Now, don’t get me wrong, in functioning relationships there are moments of friction or even dysfunction, of course. Moments where we disagree, we argue or just can’t understand one another, but the key thing is: those moments aren’t the proof of love. They aren’t the reason for the relationship existing. It is perfectly possible to love someone who winds you up in many ways (I immediately think of my wife having to tolerate the cupboard doors that I unintentionally leave open, for example) but it isn’t rage or frustration that is proof that you should be together.
Fundamentally, the person you are with should ideally be someone who you like and admire. Someone you feel passionate about not because they irritate you but because you appreciate things about them. You can have passion and love without dysfunction. Someone doesn’t have to drive you crazy in order for you to want to be with them.
But maybe that wouldn’t make a great pop song.
P.S. There must be some songs about people just getting on famously and having a nice time in a quiet and peaceful way, but I can’t immediately think of one. Someone must have given it a go, though, surely. Anybody know of one?
Ted Bradshaw
Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and Coach
My name is Ted Bradshaw (@cbtted on Instagram and TikTok) and my main aim is to make mental health and anxiety in particular much easier to understand. I am a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist accredited by the BABCP and have been working in this area for over 15 years. I am an honorary Assistant Professor of Psychological Therapies at the University of Nottingham and I also work as a coach, accredited by the International Coaching Federation to PCC level. On my first day of training as a therapist, I was immediately annoyed. The things I was learning seemed so useful, and I was confused as to why I had never been taught any of this before, because it would have been so useful. For me, it seemed ridiculous that we would wait until people feel really bad before we offer them any information or insight into how anxiety or how a mind works. That is what led me to look into coaching and it is also why I spend a good deal of my time writing about and making short videos on lots of different aspects of mental health and anxiety in particular. As a parent, I have also found that what I know about anxiety has been so useful to me when dealing with my own children, so a lot of my focus is upon parents understanding anxiety for their children, too. These days in my 1:1 work with enduring mental health issues such as depression. OCD or PTSD, and I also work with people who might not be sure whether it is therapy they need but who are looking to improve something, like confidence or self-esteem. Finally, I also run workshops for schools and businesses on all of these subjects, including how to help an anxious child, good mental health in the workplace and more. You can find me across most social media platforms @cbtted, on Instagram and TikTok in particular.
