My partner and I want different things from life

Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

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My partner and I want different things from life

What happens when your partner wants different things from life? It can force one into agonising decisions. We help a reader find the right words to start a conversation.

Q. Iโ€™ve been with my boyfriend for four years, but we share a very different view about how we want life to turn out. He wants to move to Japan permanently, and I donโ€™t feel like this is for me. All of my family and friends live in the UK. I love him, I really do, and this is killing me on the inside. I donโ€™t want to leave my family behind, but I also canโ€™t stand the thought of us separating. I have suffered from depression for around five years, and this is really starting to take its toll on me. Name supplied

A. I can feel within myself the urge to wave a magic wand and make these feelings go away for you. However, I suggest being stuck is not necessarily a bad thing. If the frustration could speak, it would say โ€˜pay attention here, this really mattersโ€™.

My invitation is to approach gently, like taming a frightened kitten, rather than chasing the stuck feelings away. If I understand this correctly, youโ€™ve been suffering from depression for the entire time that youโ€™ve been in this relationship, but things feel as if they are coming to a head now. In your longer letter, you ask, โ€˜Where do my hopes and dreams fit into all this?โ€™ โ€“ the fact that you are starting to ask that question sounds encouraging, but perhaps you will need practice to find the right words.

The Relate website suggests a structure for emotionally charged conversations. Person A speaks for a minute using words which begin with โ€˜I feelโ€ฆโ€™, then person B reflects back exactly what they heard and asks, โ€˜What was the most important thing that you wanted me to hear?โ€™ The process has several other steps, and is then reversed, so you each get a chance to speak and beย heard. Donโ€™t be afraid of tears, they are another signal that this matters. If the relationship is not ready for this, the website also offers online, phone or face-to-face contact with counsellors. By writing to me, you have shared some of this inner torment with the outer world โ€“ now you have started, please continue.

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โ€˜MARYโ€™ in the subject line.

Photograph: Getty