How I learned to read body language at work – and change my career forever

From crossed arms to awkward silences, body language at work can be a minefield, but understanding it better can transform the way we lead

You know the moment. A meeting is ticking along smoothly when something shifts. A pause lingers. A tone cools. Someone folds their arms. No one names it, but the atmosphere changes.

We are extraordinarily sensitive to these shifts — often without realising why.

‘Non-verbal communication is the first language we learn,’ says leadership expert Anne-Maartje Oud, author of WHAT TO DO IF…? How to Handle Any Situation at Work and Come Out Winning. ‘We don’t analyse words first. In our development as human beings, we are highly focused on non-verbal signals.’

Long before vocabulary, we learned to read faces, tone, breathing patterns, posture, movement and distance. As infants, our survival depended on it. As adults, we still rely on it — especially in moments of uncertainty. ‘The nervous system continuously scans for signals to make sure we are safe,’ Oud explains. Sometimes we register those signals consciously; often, we don’t. But we feel them. And that feeling can shape everything.

Why awkward moments at work trigger threat responses

When a conversation suddenly turns tense, the reaction can feel disproportionate — sharpened focus, a jolt of adrenaline, an urge to defend yourself. ‘When something unexpected happens in a conversation and the situation suddenly becomes awkward or tense, the brain often interprets that as a potential threat,’ Oud says. ‘“I have to pay attention here, something might happen.”’

We are highly sensitive to changes in tone, facial expression, silence or rejection because social belonging has always been essential for survival. In that split second, we may start analysing ourselves: Did I say something wrong? Did I overstep? At the same time, we brace. We become alert, preparing for what might come next.

Emotions can intensify quickly in workplace communication. Unexpected feedback may feel sharper than intended. Being asked a question you can’t answer can feel exposing. A joke that lands badly can suddenly feel loaded. And yet, two people can experience the same workplace interaction very differently.

‘Different people perceive every situation differently,’ Oud says. ‘And that different perception shapes behaviour.’

One person may withdraw to avoid conflict. Another may address the tension despite a knot in their stomach. Someone else may respond with visible irritation. The external trigger may be identical — the internal interpretation is not.

The body as a truth-teller in professional communication

We all know that words can be managed. The body is harder to control. ‘We are aware that people can say certain things that may not be congruent with what they show us,’ Oud says. ‘The body is often more honest than words.’

A colleague may insist, ‘It’s fine,’ while their jaw tightens. A manager may say, ‘I’m open to feedback,’ while maintaining rigid posture and intense eye contact.

Often we cannot immediately articulate what feels off. We simply sense misalignment between verbal and nonverbal cues. That is because much of nonverbal communication operates beneath conscious awareness. We register tension before we rationalise it.

Recognising subtle signs of stress and emotional discomfort

Even when we believe we are composed, our bodies may reveal strain. ‘I always observe pacifying behaviours,’ says Oud — small self-soothing gestures such as fidgeting, touching the skin or hair, lightly stroking the face or neck. Lip biting or tucking the lips inward can signal contained emotion. A change in vocal tone may also be telling.

The way we sit can shift too — from calm and grounded to restless or contracted. But context is everything in reading body language at work.

‘There’s so much we can observe, but we always have to be mindful not to focus solely on nonverbal communication,’ she says. ‘We have to look for clusters and understand the context of the situation.’

A cold room may lead someone to fold their arms. A noisy space may require closer proximity. Cultural differences influence eye contact and gestures in ways that are easily misunderstood. No single gesture tells the whole story.

The myth of ‘defensive’ body language in the workplace

One of the most persistent workplace myths is that certain gestures have fixed meanings. ‘People think that they “know” nonverbals and just look at one thing and then comment on it,’ Oud says. ‘“Oh, this person has their arms folded and that is defensive behaviour.” Which is not the case at all.’

In her field, crossed arms are sometimes referred to as a ‘self-hug’ — a behaviour that can signal comfort or relaxation. The problem is not observation. It is assumption.

‘People often misinterpret nonverbal cues because they don’t interact with others to find out what is actually happening,’ she explains. ‘We have to engage with the person and ask questions instead of immediately deciding what’s going on.’

Nonverbal signals are noticed — but they are not always understood. ‘It’s our professional duty to find out what they mean,’ Oud says. ‘Rely on what you observe, but never forget to verify.’

Moving from snap judgements to emotional intelligence at work

In fast-paced workplaces, quick judgements can feel efficient. We pride ourselves on ‘reading the room.’ But snap interpretations can quietly distort relationships and undermine effective leadership. A colleague looking down may be concentrating, not disengaging. Silence may indicate thoughtfulness, not hostility. Intense eye contact may reflect focus, not aggression.

When we label too quickly — defensive, arrogant, withdrawn — we close down curiosity. A more psychologically mature response is slower. Notice what you observe. Notice what you feel. Then, where appropriate, check your interpretation. Because while the body may speak first, understanding is collaborative.

The real skill in workplace communication is not decoding others with certainty. It is staying open long enough to discover what their signals actually mean. And in that space — between observation and assumption — better conversations begin.

Meet the Expert Anne-Maartje Oud is a leadership expert and author of WHAT TO DO IF…? How to Handle Any Situation at Work and Come Out Winning