Rise Like a Phoenix: A Journey Through Grief, Healing, and Reconnection

And in my recent Mindful Poetic Stories podcast, Rise like a phoenix (listen here!) I shared the grief that changed my life. In 2010, my world was shaken to its core when I lost a dear friend to suicide. Her death was unexpected, devastating, and left me with questions that haunted me for years.

Why couldn’t I help her?
Why did she feel so alone?
Why didn’t I see the depth of her pain?

I replayed conversations over and over again in my mind. I blamed myself endlessly, and to a certain degree I still do.

I saw her as strong and resilient, but now I know that sometimes, those who appear strongest are carrying the heaviest burdens. Her pain was hidden behind a tough outer shell she had built to protect herself. A shell so many of us wear without even realising it.

My grief took over my life. I wanted to forget, to numb out, to disappear. I couldn’t sleep. My world felt upside down. I was struggling to understand. I didn’t see the point of life anymore, if it was that fragile.

Friends told me to seek counselling, but deep down, I felt I needed something different. I wasn’t just grieving; I felt empty. I was lost.

Then the quote I read during the depths of my despair which changed everything, the biggest tears at a graveside are not the tears of loss but the tears of regret…..  this spoke to me as it highlights the horrible impact of unsaid words and undone actions, missed opportunities for connection or expression during a lifetime. The pain of loss is undeniable, but the weight of regret on top can be a particularly heavy burden to bear.

This marked a turning point for me and then I discovered meditation and mindfulness. I joined the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University and took part in their meditation courses. For the first time, I heard a simple yet profound analogy:

“There is a diamond within each of us. Sometimes it gets muddied by life, but it’s always there.

This idea gave me hope, not just for myself, but for everyone who feels broken inside but smiles on the outside. With this hope, I knew I could move slowly from despair to healing, from pain to purpose. It marked the beginning of my rise.

I believe Positive Intelligence explains it well with the Sage Perspective, which is one of the muscles we build in mental fitness.

In every moment of challenge, or darkness, our inner critic, the negative voice of our “Saboteur”, tells us life is all bad. That we’ll never be okay. That healing isn’t even possible.

But the “Sage” within us will always offer a different view, a more empowering view. It whispers that even in our darkest moments, there can be an opportunity for learning, for growth, for transformation.

After my teachings with the Brahma Kumaris, I made a vow that, in my friend’s name, I would set myself on a mission to help others. To be a voice that reminds people: You matter. There is hope. There is healing. Helping people to choose not to suffer in silence. To help them not feel so alone.

Brahma Kumaris set me on a spiritual journey of self-discovery and to a place where I could help others: not only with an understanding of this life, but it also helped me make friends with death, acknowledging my own mortality so I could begin to live a more meaningful, compassionate, and connected life, rather than denying it or fearing it.

Post-Traumatic Growth; This was a phrase I heard for the first time a few years ago at a trauma conference and it struck me deeply. We’ve all heard of PTSD, post-traumatic stress. But what about the potential for growth after trauma? For transformation?

For a long time, I thought trauma was the end of the story. That once you’ve experienced deep emotional pain, all you can do is manage it. But now, I believe differently.

Yes, trauma leaves scars, and life is never the same again as you carry those scars within you. But with the right support, coaching, therapy, spiritual practice, we can heal. We can transform. We can even inspire others through our stories. As Gabor Maté says:

“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside us as a result of what happens to us.”

That gives us power. It means we can’t change the event, but we can change how it lives inside us.

Some statistics from World Health Organization WHO 

• Suicide remains one of the top three causes of death among young people aged 15–29, representing a profound loss and far-reaching social impact
• Suicide remains the leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK, an alarming marker of mental health needs in younger populations
• On average, for every suicide, there are an estimated 20 suicide attempts, illustrating the enormous burden of distress that goes largely unseen
• A staggering 73% of suicides occur in low- and middle-income countries, highlighting serious gaps in access to mental health resources.

Numbers alone can’t convey the heartbreak behind each statistic. Yet they help to shift the narrative—from silence to openness, from stigma to empathy. By knowing the numbers:

• We highlight the scale of the crisis.
• We identify where resources are needed most.
• We draw attention to vulnerable groups and high-impact interventions

For me, being Irish, I know only too well how in Ireland our cultural and religious background played a big role in how we talk, or don’t talk, about suicide. The Catholic Church historically labelled suicide a sin, and up until the 1980s, those who died by suicide were often denied church funerals or were not allowed to be buried on hallowed ground. This always deeply saddened me.

So does knowing the fact that still in at least 25 countries, anyone who attempts suicide can be arrested, prosecuted, or punished by fines or even face imprisonment.

This, I believe, really speaks to a lack of understanding around the mental and emotional health of human beings.

A book I highly recommend is by Rory O Connor called When it is Darkest, Why people die by suicide and how we can prevent it”. He has been doing incredible work and research on suicide for decades.

He says, “There are so many myths and misinformation about suicide”, and in the book he explores all of them; one of these being that suicide is not selfish. He says characterising suicide as selfish just adds to the stigma around it and when stigma increases help seeking declines, ignorance flourishes and deaths soar. Someone who takes their own life is not selfish they are in pain and they want the pain to end, and suicide is a means of ending that pain. Suicide is an act of desperation. For the vast majority they see their suicide as a selfless act, their way of trying to stop the suffering that they perceive they are causing their loved ones. To end ones life is difficult not only do you have to overcome the most basic self preservation instinct, for many the act of ending ones life is physically painful it is most definitely not a cowardly act, it is an act of desperation.

Understanding that people don’t necessarily want their life to end, but they want their emotional pain to end — that’s a crucial piece of information, because we can all help ease someone’s pain with kindness, attention, and unconditional love.

Since my friend’s passing, I support suicide prevention, grief support, and mental health advocacy. I share here some charities close to my heart:

• HUGG (Healing Untold Grief Groups) – hugg.ie
• Silence of Suicide (SoS) – sossilenceofsuicide.org
• The OLLIE Foundation – theolliefoundation.org
• Pieta House – pieta.ie

Each of these organisations supports those grieving, educates communities, and creates safe spaces where people can talk without fear of judgement. They continue to help change the narrative and to lift the stigma around mental and emotional health and wellbeing and suicide.

They also help people to understand the role feelings of guilt and shame play in suicide.

Sharing powerful statements like ‘Let’s replace shame with empathy, silence with listening, and judgment with support.’

Globally, suicide mortality has declined roughly by a third since 1990, reflecting some progress in prevention and mental health strategies.

And this is thanks to all these people doing spectacular work.

Another book recommendation is Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig, which is a powerful memoir offering a raw and honest look at his own struggle with depression and anxiety. Through personal stories, reflections, and moments of hope, he shares how he found reasons to keep going. Again, with the reminder that even in our darkest times, things can get better. He destigmatises mental illness, showing that it’s okay to talk about it, and he provides practical insights and emotional comfort to anyone who is struggling or wants to understand someone who is.

“The bottom of the valley never provides the clearest view.” Matt Haig

We Are Human Beings, Not Machines

We are all human beings having a human experience, in this human existence. Some days we feel strong. Other days, we fall apart. And that’s okay.

We feel:

• Secure, then insecure.
• Brave, then vulnerable.
• Joyful, then deeply sad.

All of these emotions are valid. They are human.

And if we let them, all our feelings can lead us back to ourselves, back to our hearts, and ultimately to a place of unconditional self-love.

There’s a story I heard recently that really hit home and actually saddened me. A teenager said, “I use AI to ask questions about dating, because AI doesn’t judge me.”

Imagine that. A generation that feels judged by real people, but safe with machines.

I believe this can remind us that we can do better. We can offer more understanding and openness.

We all know down deep that we have a need,  desire to feel seen, heard and understood, and when we do life feels better; so let’s create spaces that facilitate this.

We will all benefit from creating communities and safe spaces to talk, where it’s safe to ask questions, to feel, to share our feelings, to cry, to struggle, and to rise again.

Let’s create a World of Compassion, so people do not feel alone 

If you’re going through a dark season, please remember this: you are not broken. You are not alone. There is hope.

Whether you seek help through counselling, meditation, coaching or mindfulness, know that healing is possible. Growth is possible. A fresh start is possible.

Healing from Grief: Understanding the Kübler-Ross Model

To navigate grief, it helped me to understand the Kübler-Ross Curve, a framework for understanding the emotional stages we go through during loss:

1. Denial – This isn’t happening.
2. Anger – Why me? Why her?
3. Bargaining – If only I had done something differently…
4. Depression – The crushing reality sets in.
5. Acceptance – It happened. And now I must find a way forward.

Grief isn’t linear. It’s messy and personal. But recognising these stages helped me give myself permission to feel, without guilt, shame, or self-judgment.

It really is wonderful to have 10 September, established in 2003 by the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) in collaboration with the World Health Organization (WHO), a specific day in the year that serves as a call to challenge stigma and promote care. For suicide awareness and to acknowledge the commitment of so many organisations working toward preventing suicide and offering so much support to people bereaved by suicide, but I believe every day can be a day for awareness around mental health, emotional wellbeing and to check in on our loved ones and on ourselves.

Loneliness; it helps us to also remember, that people who feel lonely or are suffering or struggling are not always those who outwardly look sad or depressed or lonely. Sometimes, they’re the ones trying the hardest to hide it. They smile. They show up. They laugh. But inside, they’re hurting.

Lonely people don’t always look lonely.  Showcasing this powerfully is Norwich City Football Club, who did an awareness video for Mental Health Week 2024 – to watch, click here.

Robin Williams once said, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

I would only add — Be kind to yourself, too.

Because from the ashes of your darkest moment, you can rise, stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than ever before. From here, we can better help others.

This is dedicated to my friends Mags, 21.07.70 – 31.10.10 – thank you for your friendship, your life still lives in mine as I take your light with me wherever I go.

In my podcast and in my writing, I want to offer not just my story of loss, but a roadmap of how we can begin the journey of emotional healing. Whether you’re struggling with grief, self-doubt, or simply feeling lost, I hope this offers a moment of connection and a reminder that:

YOU MATTER