How to stop overworking and reclaim your life – coaching in action

Award-winning Barefoot coach Kim Morgan meets workaholic Ruth, who is tied to her phone and never stops moving

Ruth* rushed into our first coaching session — phone in one hand, coffee in the other — making apologetic signals that the call was about to end. I nodded and waited.

Eventually she extricated herself from the call; ‘Sorry I’m late — back-to-back meetings all morning,’ she said. ‘I blocked this time out weeks ago, but something urgent always comes up. I’m putting my phone on “do-not-disturb” now.’

I felt somehow honoured that she had turned off the phone. I asked Ruth what had prompted her to come for coaching, although I already had an idea about what it might be. ‘I’m utterly exhausted, she said. ‘But that sounds a bit lame, doesn’t it?’ ‘I don’t think it seems lame at all! Exhaustion sounds, umm — exhausting!’

We laughed at my clumsy response before I asked Ruth to tell me a bit more about her life and her exhaustion. She rattled off a list: a demanding senior leadership role in a fast-growing company, divorced with two teenagers, an elderly parent with care needs, chair of the PTA, running half-marathons to stay fit, working weekends and evenings to keep on top of everything.

‘Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls — family, health, friends, and spirit — are made of glass.’

Brian Dyson, former CEO of Coca-Cola

‘I thought I thrived on being busy, but now I feel like I’m losing control.’ ‘What does losing control mean to you?’ I asked. Ruth asked if I had a flip chart. By chance I did have one and went to get it from another room. When I came back, Ruth was making a quick work call. She apologised, looking like a naughty child who had been caught out doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

It hadn’t escaped my notice that by using the flip chart, Ruth was taking control and turning our session into something of a corporate training exercise. I decided to go with it — this time.

Ruth stood up and wrote quickly: ‘Dropping the ball, competitive, looking over my shoulder at others climbing the ladder behind me, failing, letting others down, no time to think, crazy fool, missing out on life, bad example to my children, not looking after myself, not looking after my mother, anxiety, stress, burnout, trying to do it all, fear, need to succeed, losing sight of what really matters to me…’

She flopped back down into her chair and shook her head as she re-read her words. She was suddenly in a more reflective mood.

‘That’s like the inside of my head (and my heart) on a big bit of paper. Welcome to my inner world,’ she said. ‘How does it make you feel to read those words?’ I asked. Ruth sighed. ‘When I look at that I feel suffocated and wonder if I will ever escape. A lot of it is my doing. I take on more and more — I am high achieving and have a high need to support others.

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‘It won’t end well for me if I don’t do something about it. I guess that’s why I am here.’ I identified with Ruth’s workaholic tendencies and recalled that my therapist once asked me a great question, which made me laugh and stopped me in my tracks: ‘So, when were you first appointed Managing Director of the Universe?’ I asked Ruth the same question.

She smiled. ‘Great question! The answer is when I was very young. My parents hadn’t had any opportunities in life and so they scraped by. They put high expectations on me to be the one to succeed in the family. When I did well, it made them happy. If I got things wrong, they were bitterly disappointed. I think I learned that working hard and helping others was how I mattered in the world.’

Ruth paused. ‘Yes, I think I did learn that I had to be Managing Director of the Universe when I was little…and it is exhausting!’ I felt compassion for Ruth in that moment. I asked her what she would be her ideal outcome at the end of our coaching sessions. She stood up and wrote on the flipchart: ‘To live a life I don’t need to recover from! To live a life which is about love, learning and joy and not about doing, striving and surviving.’ ‘Over to you, coach! I hope you like a challenge!’ and with that, like a whirlwind, she rushed out of my office, already on another work call.

‘I Am Enough’ inventory

Overworking and over-delivery are often driven by a core fear of not being enough unless you are achieving. It can be helpful to reflect on the following questions if you are prone to overworking:

● What do I believe makes me valuable to others?

● Who am I when I’m not being productive?

● What are the stories I tell myself about rest, slowing down, or saying no?

● Who might I disappoint if I stopped being the one who always copes, delivers, or excels?

● What would I need to believe about myself to work less and still feel worthwhile?

Next, take a big blank sheet of paper and some coloured pens and list 10 qualities or ways in which you contribute to the world which have nothing to do with work or output. You may want to ask people whose opinions you trust to add to this list too. Keep the list somewhere visible and keep adding to it!

Backseat drivers of overworking

To create lasting change, it is helpful to understand what might be driving your behaviours.

Transactional Analysis (TA) suggests that the origins of workaholism can often be traced back to childhood messages which become internalised and drive our adult behaviours. These are known as Drivers — unconscious patterns which push us to act in certain ways for us to be accepted, approved of, or loved:

● Be perfect – ‘If I make mistakes, I’m not good enough.’

● Please others – ‘If I don’t keep everyone happy, I’ll be rejected.’

● Hurry up – ‘I must rush, I don’t have enough time.’

● Try hard – ‘I must keep striving; effort is more important than success.’

● Be strong – ‘I can’t show vulnerability or ask for help.’

Now take some time to reflect on the following questions:

● Which of the five drivers resonate most with your internal voice or feel most familiar?

● How do these drivers influence your work or personal life?

● What is the emotional price you pay for these drivers?

● What would you need to believe about yourself to embrace the following statements: ✓ ‘It’s okay to do a good-enough job.’ ✓ ‘It’s okay to rest.’ ✓ ‘It’s okay to ask for help.’ ✓ ‘It’s okay to go at my own pace.’ ✓ ‘It’s okay to say no.’

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Kim Morgan is an internationally recognised expert in coaching and coach training, one of the select band of coaches accredited by the ICF as a Master Certified Coach.