My Perimenopause Diaries: The lesson I didn’t expect

We have completed our third week of The Artist’s Way programme, and I 🩷 it!

This process is deeply nourishing and intimate; it feels like starting the day with a date with yourself. Dating your thoughts, your emotions. Dating your dreams and your present. Dating your fears and your hopes. Writing, writing, writing.

I do believe, though, that it’s important to be mindful of what one writes.

As Paulo Coelho writes in Brida: “Words have more power than many rituals.”

I know this to be true because what we speak creates, and what we write amplifies… especially for us women, who hold a gift for creation and amplification.

So… I am pondering whether to sit in ceremony with the jungle medicine of Ayahuasca before the end of the year or not… Because if I do, the preparation begins very soon.

I work with Ayahuasca in a traditional ceremonial setting guided by professional facilitators. I don’t do it to “trip” or escape reality, but to deepen my connection to life and to myself. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart… as we say in Spain, you need some cojones! I hold deep respect for her medicine, which means lots of preparation beforehand and taking integration seriously afterwards.

They say that the energy of the medicine, as it’s called, starts working on you the moment you say yes to the ceremony, not when you actually drink the brew.

I find this philosophy so profound and powerful, not only for this type of deep work but as a life philosophy. Imagine knowing that life begins to adapt and show up for you the moment you make a clear decision. Isn’t this beautiful?

These past few days I’ve been reading the many pages of notes from my last ceremony. That’s the first thing I always do upon waking up the following day… I write everything I can remember… the wisdom, the visions, the insights, the emotions… capturing as much as possible while knowing that some of that experience is not meant to be remembered as it only belongs to the ceremony.

I am reading them again to make sure I am doing my homework and that I am integrating the experience; because otherwise, what’s the freaking point?!

Even though I have sat in ceremony with Ayahuasca many times before, the last one was particularly nerve-racking. Many times I considered coming up with Hollywood-style dramatic excuses not to attend while secretly hoping it might get cancelled altogether!

That feeling is normal though… they say a night with Ayahuasca is equivalent to ten years of therapy. I don’t know if that’s true, but boy oh boy… I can attest that at least five years in one night feels about right! So one can understand the nerves.

The nervousness and fear were heightened because I thought to myself if cruising Perimenopause already feels quite psychedelic at times (hence why I call this phase Peri-huasca), how could I possibly meet, hold, and sustain the depth and power of an Ayahuasca journey? The experience felt too big for me right now.

For me, cruising Peri, among many other things, is an invitation to embrace a softer life, and I have become very good at it… yet there I was, once again wanting to put myself in an extreme situation in the name of healing, growth, and evolution. So I really had to check in with myself to ensure I was doing it for the right reasons and I had the right intentions.

So much happened during the retreat… so much understanding and insight. Some things I am still working through. Of course there were difficult and suuuuuper intense moments, but nothing I couldn’t handle… and that was precisely one of the big lessons.

In that space between fear and surrender, something shifted. Ayahuasca reminded me of something profoundly important which is not to hide behind menopause, not to over-identify with menopause, not to make it my entire story; because I am not weak… I am transforming into a new kind of power.

Yes, there is no doubt that Peri is a life-impacting phase, but there is a difference between honouring the process of transformation and letting it define who we are completely.

I see life through the lens of menopause, but I can’t stop meeting life because of it. Ayahuasca is a living intelligence, so is Menopause, and so is Life! I showed up to the ceremony, and the medicine adapted to me. It was as if she whispered, “See? You don’t need to fear life, woman! trust and life will meet you where you are.” And that’s exactly what I felt… that life meets, adapts, and honours us where we are; just as Ayahuasca met, adapted, and honoured my Peri journey… And in that meeting, there is so much love, beauty, and magic too.

That’s all for now…

Until next week,

A loving note: I’m sharing my lived experience as a woman who menstruates, knowing that not all women do, and not everyone who menstruates identifies as a woman. This is not advice or a recommendation. If something here inspires you, please research, honour your intuition, check local laws, and seek qualified professional support. Any brands I mention are simply personal favourites; I’m not paid, gifted or affiliated. If that ever changes, I’ll label it clearly. 🧡