‘I keep repeating the same mistakes!’ What you need vs what you want, and why it matters

Chemistry might spark attraction, but lasting relationships are built on compatibility. Understanding the difference can change who you choose — and why

At the start of almost every relationship, desire takes the lead. We’re drawn to the spark, the excitement, that funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach (or elsewhere!), the unmistakeable thrill of feeling fully alive. But while attraction might get your engine running, if you want it to last try to think about your relationship needs vs wants.

‘We all know what we want from a partner — that’s chemistry. Tall, dark, handsome, small, blond, funny, exciting, whatever. That all comes naturally. But chemistry alone doesn’t sustain a relationship,’ says Sara Davison, aka The Divorce Coach.

When we’re new to the dating game, chemistry can feel like everything. But as we get older — especially after we suffer heartbreak — those instincts can lead us back into the same painful patterns. ‘What’s fun in your teens or twenties doesn’t always work when you want something long-term. That’s where people get stuck repeating the same patterns,’ Davison explains.

Why we keep making the same mistakes

After a breakup, many people feel an overwhelming urge to fill the gap left behind. The end of a relationship doesn’t just mean losing a partner — it can mean losing structure, security and identity. And the fear of being alone can be powerful. ‘After a breakup, people often jump straight into another relationship because the biggest fear is being alone. Loneliness is one of the biggest societal issues right now,’ says Davison.

In that vulnerable state, standards often drop dramatically. ‘After a breakup, the bar can be incredibly low — they’ve got a pulse and they show you some affection. That’s how people end up repeating the same mistakes.’ The need for connection is deeply human, but without reflection, it can pull us towards relationships that look comforting on the surface yet quietly recreate the same emotional wounds. It’s clear what our relationship needs vs wants are here — we want someone, anyone. But is that what we really need?

Familiar feels safe — even when it hurts

One of the most confusing aspects of relationship patterns is how easily we mistake familiarity for safety. If we’ve spent years in a dynamic that involved emotional instability, inconsistency or unmet needs, those traits can start to feel oddly reassuring. ‘If you come out of an unhealthy relationship, it can feel strangely safer to go straight into another one that feels familiar — even if it’s bad for you,’ Davison says. ‘Familiar feels safe, even when it’s unhealthy.’

This is why so many people look back and wonder how they ended up with ‘the same person in a different body’. Without pausing to understand what actually went wrong, the cycle repeats.

Learning from the past, not reliving it

Breaking that cycle requires reflection — not self-blame, but self-honesty. ‘I call it “banking the lessons”,’ says Davison. ‘If you don’t learn from your past relationships, life has a funny way of slapping you in the face with the same lesson again,’ she says. Rather than focusing solely on what we didn’t like about an ex, this means identifying what you needed that wasn’t there — and what you tolerated even though it didn’t feel right. ‘Looking at what you need means looking back at what didn’t work and being honest about why,’ Davison explains.

When it comes to our relationship wants vs needs, wants are often surface-level and instinctive, whereas needs emerge through heartbreak, disappointment and growth. ‘What you need comes from your lived experience — emotional safety, kindness, reliability, honesty, stability,’ says Davison. These priorities often shift after difficult experiences. ‘After betrayal or trauma, people’s values shift. Suddenly honesty and emotional safety matter far more than excitement or adventure.’ This doesn’t mean passion disappears — but it no longer comes at the expense of peace.

The power of deal-breakers

One of the most practical tools Davison encourages is getting clear on deal-breakers — the behaviours or traits you know you cannot live with, based on past experience. ‘You need a clear list of “must-not-haves”. These are absolute deal-breakers,’ she says.

Crucially, deal-breakers only work if we act on them. ‘If a deal-breaker shows up, you deploy your parachute and exit the building immediately. No second chances. You don’t need to relearn lessons you’ve already learned.’ This isn’t about being rigid or cynical — it’s about self-respect and emotional safety.

Choosing, instead of waiting to be picked

Perhaps the biggest shift comes when we stop waiting to be chosen and start choosing consciously. ‘So many people are just waiting to be picked. You can’t wait to be picked — you have to do the picking,’ Davison says.

It’s also when we decide to choose someone who we are truly compatible with, rather than simply someone we fancy the pants off. Because when we don’t do this, too often we leave ourselves open to anyone who offers attention — regardless of whether they’re right for us.

‘If you don’t decide what you need, you’re available to anyone — including the worst possible person for you.’ Understanding what you need doesn’t make you demanding or closed-off. It makes you intentional. And intention, compatibility, and real, deep love, not chemistry alone, is what gives relationships the best chance of lasting.

Meet the Expert Sara Davison is a multi-award winning coach, podcaster, best-selling author, trainer, patron of domestic abuse charity and media commentator

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