I thought fighting was the problem – then a relationship coach explained it was what happens next that really matters

Closeness isn’t defined by avoiding falling out — but by what happens when we stop fighting and start repairing

I remember when I first met my husband. Back then, our reactions when we had a fight were wildly different. I was all fireworks and slammed doors, raised voices and tears. He wanted to calm everything down, pretend there was no issue, have peace at all costs. It drove me mad! And it meant that once it was time to stop fighting and start repairing, we were coming from very different places.

I’m sure we aren’t the only ones who struggle with this issue. But relationship coach Georgie Clarke explains that it’s not the fight itself that matters, but what happens afterwards. ‘Every couple experiences conflict,’ she says. ‘What determines whether intimacy contracts or deepens is how those moments are handled.’

How unresolved conflict lingers beneath the surface

Unresolved conflict rarely shows up as obvious anger. More often, Clarke says, it becomes embedded in everyday interaction. ‘It appears in disinterested tone, short or monosyllabic replies, less warmth and tactility, or a subtle hesitation to reach for each other,’ she explains. Even when couples aren’t actively arguing, the body remembers what hasn’t been resolved — sometimes from years earlier.

This unresolved tension can sit quietly in the nervous system, shaping behaviour long after the original disagreement has passed. ‘At one end of the spectrum, it creates avoidance and emotional withdrawal,’ Clarke says. ‘At the other, it can fuel passive-aggressive behaviour that leads to explosive fights.’ Over time, these patterns generate a persistent sense of disconnection that becomes more influential than the conflict itself.

Why avoiding conflict increases distance

Avoiding conflict is often mistaken for emotional maturity or harmony, but Clarke says it usually has the opposite effect. ‘When couples stop voicing their feelings, needs, and desires, they also stop feeling fully known,’ she explains. ‘This creates a deep lack of emotional satisfaction.’

Avoidance also means avoiding emotions that need to be felt and witnessed. Conflict carries pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, and frustration. When these emotions aren’t expressed, they don’t resolve — they stagnate. ‘Our emotions are energy in motion,’ Clarke explains. ‘If we don’t express them, we often end up feeling flat or apathetic.’ While silence may reduce friction temporarily, it increases emotional distance over time, because intimacy requires honesty.

How resentment reshapes perception

Resentment builds when hurt goes unacknowledged. Clarke explains that once resentment is present, it alters how partners interpret each other’s behaviour. ‘Everyday mistakes start to feel intentional,’ she says. Forgetting chores, running late, or not replying to messages is no longer seen as human error, but as evidence of indifference or unreliability.

This shift in perception makes warmth and generosity harder to access. Partners stop seeing each other as imperfect and trying, and begin relating through disappointment rather than compassion.

How emotional injuries surface indirectly

Unresolved emotional injuries rarely present themselves clearly. Instead, Clarke says, they tend to surface indirectly. ‘They show up as irritation, shutdown, criticism, or intense reactions to small moments,’ she explains. Couples often find themselves repeating the same arguments, not because the issue can’t be solved, but because an earlier hurt hasn’t been understood.

If people struggle to access, feel, or articulate their own emotions, repair becomes difficult. The conflict continues because the underlying emotional need remains unmet.

Why regulation matters more than being right

During conflict, the nervous system often shifts into protection mode. Clarke emphasises that this response is automatic. ‘When emotions run high, people defend, attack, or withdraw — not because they don’t care, but because their body feels unsafe,’ she says. In this state, listening and understanding are neurologically unavailable. Repair becomes possible only when both partners feel regulated enough to stay present.

‘When one person can remain grounded, it can create co-regulation,’ Clarke explains. ‘Their calm helps soothe the other person’s fight-or-flight response.’ Connection deepens not through winning arguments, but through restoring safety.

What real repair looks like

If you really want to stop fighting and start repairing, it requires more than an apology. Clarke notes that many apologies are offered to end discomfort rather than to restore connection. ‘When an apology isn’t sincere, it’s always felt,’ she says, often leading to further rupture. Real repair involves willingness — staying open, present, and engaged even when it’s difficult.

It includes active listening, genuine curiosity, and a commitment to understanding the other person’s experience. Just as importantly, repair involves follow-through. ‘Small, consistent changes rebuild trust over time,’ Clarke explains. ‘It’s not about a perfect response, but sustained care.’

Why accountability restores emotional safety

Accountability is a critical part of repair. Clarke explains that when someone takes responsibility without deflecting, justifying, or minimising, it reduces the other person’s need to stay guarded. ‘Both nervous systems relax,’ she says. ‘Both bodies soften.’ Accountability signals reliability and trust, allowing partners to feel emotionally safe again.Without accountability, conflict may end, but disconnection often remains.

The question that shifts conflict toward reconnection

To genuinely stop fighting and start repairing you need to move out of defence and back into connection. Clarke encourages couples to ask a simple question: What are you feeling, and what do you need right now? ‘Many people struggle to voice their needs for fear of rejection or appearing weak,’ she explains. ‘Offering that space communicates care.’

This question invites collaboration rather than opposition. It signals that the relationship matters more than being right — and it opens the door to genuine repair. Because conflict handled with awareness doesn’t weaken connection. It reveals where care, safety, and understanding are most needed.

Expert Voice Georgie Clarke, Relationship Coach & Founder of Georgie Clarke Coaching is a relationship coach helping women restore aliveness within themselves and their relationships.