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My Perimenopause Diaries: No more performing

In Perimenopause, the masks begin to fall. What if what feels like insecurity or a loss of confidence is really an invitation to stop performing?

Dear Diary,

It’s that time of the week… you, me, and a cup of Xocoatl  (that’s cacao in the ancient Aztec tradition, my new favourite way of naming this medicinal plant).

Because I love ritualising my life, earlier I made a little rose petal offering to the earth and said a prayer to help me write from love and truth. I am now burning a temple grade incense called Absolute agarwood and Turkish rose. I mean, just the name transports you into the tales of 1001 Nights! It’s from a brand called Pure Incense. I also love their Blue Lotus and Lavender sticks.

They are fantastic quality; I feel it’s important to invest in clean products that support our endocrine system, especially now in Peri. I am not referring to incense only, but to candles, beauty, hygiene and cleaning products… I do my best to make sure my products are as clean as possible… it’s a whole lifestyle and mindset shift I must say.

Talking about beauty products, I love lip balms, so when I came across a lip mask brand that many celebrities and influencers use and endorse, I got excited! I’ve seen it in many “What’s in your bag?” YouTube videos (I love those videos and see what’s inside a woman’s bag! I find it utterly fascinating). I thought to myself, “If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me… until I saw the ingredients list. No thanks! I’m sticking to my amazing botanical lip mask from Earth to You.

Anyway… this week I went to an industry event I used to belong to about a decade ago, and something interesting happened. Well, two things, actually.

I went with the intention to network, reconnect, and have fab conversations… but as my friend and I approached the venue, I started feeling dizzy and sick… and, may I admit, insecure; I, intuitively, knew it had something to do with the event.

After a few minutes recalibrating myself and letting the medicine of air ground me, we went in. Insecure? Me? The woman who guides others into feminine empowerment? Well, yes. I was surprised too, and a little wary, because while you can mask your insecurity with learnt strategies, insecure energy leaks! After a while, I started feeling more balanced and coming back to myself. Pheww, well that was a strange “experience”.

There were many interesting talks we listened to and I found myself thinking “I don’t know if I could stand in front of large audiences like I used to”. Before, I thrived in front of hundreds and even a thousand people, but now? No way! I’m content guiding small groups of ten or fifteen women.

That night I slept for ten hours straight; my body needed it.

The next day I lit a candle and meditated… I obviously had to have a “serious” conversation with myself. I mean… What was that about? Then I understood something profound.

The loss of confidence that often appears during Perimenopause isn’t random or purely hormonal, though hormones do play their part, of course. It’s also profoundly spiritual.

A big inner death is approaching, it’s inevitable and it’s palpable, and of course it ripples out to every aspect of self. In the past, I relied on ego and performance to be on stage (it wasn’t a conscious decision), and I honour and thank that part of me. She was necessary; she got me here… BUT my soul doesn’t want to perform anymore, in fact, I can’t.

That insecurity that felt so disorienting was the collapse of old identities playing out live in front of my eyes (and in public!) so I could really see it… and let go of any lingering fractals. Wow…

The loss of what we normally call “confidence” is actually part of the descent into our own underworld, our own void. Ultimately, we are rebirthing ourselves, and we need silence and we need to be in our darkness… in the same way a seed needs the darkness of the soil to flourish.

The dizziness and the nausea? That was an energetic purge, I am well familiar with it from sitting in ceremony with sacred plants.

Will I speak to large audiences again? I don’t know, maybe… but if I do, it will be from a very different space for sure.

Perimenopause is definitely an in-between state… where I am not a maiden and not yet a crone… so the intensity of the discomfort of being in my own skin is freaking real. Sometimes I forget how profound this experience is, until I close my eyes so I can see better… then I breathe into my heart and exhale, knowing that all is well.

Do you know what I am thinking of doing? Getting my first tattoo, something elegant, small but visible, maybe on my wrist, with my three current favourite words: devotion, commitment and trust, so I can remember…

Until then, let’s get the good old Post-it notes out and start sticking those words around my home!

Until next week,

Lara 🌹

 A loving note: I’m sharing my lived experience as a woman who menstruates, knowing that not all women do, and not everyone who menstruates identifies as a woman. This is not advice or a recommendation. If something here inspires you, please research, honour your intuition, check local laws, and seek qualified professional support. Any brands I mention are simply personal favourites; I’m not paid, gifted or affiliated. If that ever changes, I’ll label it clearly. 🧡

Coach Lara Khalaf

Coach Lara Khalaf

The Portal of She | Evolving Feminine Leadership

“She remembered who she was, and the game changed.” This Lalah Delia quote captures the essence of my work. After over two decades in leadership roles across corporate, private, and public sectors, I stepped away to found The Portal of She Consulting, a space devoted to supporting women in organisations through leadership and executive coaching (with a focus on women navigating perimenopause), corporate training, and empowerment circles. I’m also a mystic; my path with traditional plant practices and herbalism has deepened my connection to the feminine and to life’s great mystery. Currently moving through the wild and wise portal of perimenopause, I am delighted to be a contributing author to the #1 bestselling book: Menopause-Wise Women Don’t Whisper. Beyond work, I am nourished by nature, poetry, cacao, Mother Mary, and the love of my animals. I am based between the UK and Spain. May my words awaken something beautiful within you. May you remember. With love.

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