Building Positive Habits That Transform Your Life: Self-Care, Identity & Coaching

My recent Mindful Poetic Stories podcast, entitled Solutions for Resolutions, is all about Habits. To tune in, click here.

I have come to realise that there is one thing that shapes your future more than anything else: it’s not resolutions, luck, motivation, or even willpower; it’s your habits. The small daily actions you repeat, often unconsciously, are constantly constructing the direction of your life. Whether you’re trying to lose weight, save money, read more or strive for better self-care, habit formation is at the heart of meaningful change.

As Frederick Alexander famously said,
“People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits, and their habits decide their futures.”

So why do so many quit on their New Year’s resolutions?

Coaching helps us understand, and Timothy Gallwey’s equation, performance = potential minus interference, sums it up for me.

Interference is the internal patterns, beliefs, fears, and self-sabotage that get in the way of your potential, and when you begin to understand your “interference patterns,” you unlock your ability to create new, healthier self-care habits and a more intentional way of living. This is fundamentally what Coaching helps you do.

Psychology and behavioural research suggest that nearly half of what we do every single day is habitual. These automatic behaviours shape how we think, how we respond, how we treat ourselves, and ultimately, who we become.

But here’s the empowering part:
Habits aren’t fixed. They can be reshaped, replaced, and rebuilt.

This isn’t about forcing yourself through willpower; it’s about designing your environment and your choices to support the life you want. When you reconnect to what truly matters, with self-love, habit-building becomes an act of self-care, not punishment. You are less likely to quit on your positive intention, and most importantly, you don’t quit on yourself.

One of the most powerful tools you have is already inside you: your brain’s hidden habit engine, the Reticular Activating System (RAS). This part of your brain filters what you focus on, reinforcing your beliefs, both empowering and limiting.

Think about when you want a certain car, and suddenly you see it everywhere. Your RAS is tuned to notice it, to look out for it. The same thing happens when you think, “I always fail at new habits.” Your brain will filter your world to reinforce that belief.

To build positive habits, it helps to intentionally direct your focus toward what you want more of, not what you want less of. This is why creating a new habit often works better than trying to “stop” an old habit or behaviour. Your brain needs something new and positive to latch onto.

Feed what you wish to grow.

For years, people believed it took 21 days to form a habit. But we now know human behaviour is far more complex. Research from Phillippa Lally and colleagues at UCL shows that habits take, on average, 66 days to become automatic, yet the range is huge, from 18 to 254 days.

This variability depends on:

• the individual
• the complexity of the habit
• the environment

Tune in to Mindful Poetic Stories Podcast to hear my own personal fun story of building a new habit.

For me, I have found that cultivating self-compassion is essential for long-term behaviour change, as I have found that lasting habits grow from gentle repetition, not pressure or perfection.

According to BJ Fogg’s behaviour research at Stanford, the easiest habits to maintain are the smallest ones. Repeating tiny actions, like reading one page, walking for two minutes, drinking one glass of water, bypasses the brain’s instinctive resistance to change.

These micro-habits act like seeds. They’re small, but they grow because they’re doable, repeatable, and confidence-building. Over time, these tiny moments stack up into a meaningful transformation.

As James Clear teaches in Atomic Habits, the most powerful habits are tied to identity, not outcomes. Instead of saying:

• “I want less stress,” try “I am someone who embraces calm.”
• “I need to lose weight,” try “I am someone who honours my health and wellbeing.”

Your brain listens to the language you use. When your words align with your desired identity, your RAS begins filtering for evidence that supports that new habit you are creating for you.

Another helpful tip when building self-care habits, is to track your progress and celebrate your small wins along the way. Each ticked box or short journal note can activate your brain’s dopamine system, the motivation and reward pathway.

And don’t underestimate the power of accountability. A friend, partner, or coach can help keep the journey lighter, more consistent, and more enjoyable.

Self-Awareness is about becoming an anthropologist of your life. One of the greatest gifts of my positive autonomy coaching practice is helping you become a compassionate observer of your own patterns and embrace the whole miracle of you. When you understand your patterns, triggers, conditioning, and learned behaviours, you develop emotional resilience and inner stability.

Cultivating self-compassion along the way is the foundation of mental fitness, and this enhances your ability to bounce back, stay consistent, and not quit on yourself.

Key Takeaways

• Habits shape your future more than motivation or resolutions.
• Self-awareness helps you uncover interference patterns and self-sabotage.
• Use the RAS to focus on what you want to grow, not what you want to avoid.
• Micro-habits are the easiest and most effective way to create lasting change.
• Anchor new habits in your identity, not just your goals.
• Habit formation varies; be patient, gentle, and consistent with yourself.
• Track progress, celebrate small wins, celebrate you, and seek accountability to stay on track.
• In my positive autonomy coaching practice, I help you to learn to love yourself unconditionally, so you don’t quit on yourself.

Click here to listen to my Mindful Poetic Stories Podcast for more

I am a Mental Fitness Self-Love Coach with the Coaching R-Framework; Recognise – Realise – Reconnect – Release

This process helps you to understand, know and love yourself like you were never taught to do growing up. You fall in love with yourself so you can become the guru of your own life.

Tune in to all episodes of Mindful Poetic Stories Podcast for more tips and tools – available on all podcast platforms