Feeling weird about the end of the Summer holidays and the return to school

The Summer holidays came to an end for us a couple of weeks ago, and as I sit here typing this out I feel a bit sad. It has been a wonderful Summer.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been challenging bits such as each member of the family being ill to varying degrees throughout the entire Summer, such as every member of the family taking it in turns being ill and of course the usual bickering amongst the kids, which can feel pretty relentless.

However, even with that stuff going on, I have had a lovely time. I have been off for quite big chunks of August, and we have spent most of that in different parts of the UK with family. We have spent time on the beach, making towns with moats to get knocked down by the sea. Eating ice cream, watching films, making cookies, playing board games (including an ancient came called “sorry” that I used to play with my grandma).

This Summer my youngest got big enough to enjoy bobbing around in the waves in his rubber ring, which then meant that all three of the kids could enjoy that together, which was a delight. My middle child has properly discovered reading, pushed on by the library reading challenge. She said to me at bedtime recently “Are we doing anything tomorrow?” when I said no, she said “Yes! I can read!” They all spent time with their little cousins, which meant that we got to see a different side to each of them. I saw my youngest being a “big cousin” rather than being the baby of the group, being sweet to them and teaching them things (and of course getting annoyed with them and wanting them to go away). My middle being a full-on entertainer. My eldest being idolised by one of them and having him sit on her lap.

As we settle in to the school routine and the return to work in earnest for me, on the one hand I am pleased. I love my kids, but my word I also yearn for a bit of time when they are not in the house, because I tend to find it hard when I have to work but they are here, feeling torn between the two worlds all day. On the other hand, though, I am going to miss it.

It is not only missing the nice times, it is a sense of the time passing. My youngest is no longer a toddler, and next year he won’t need me in the sea with him so much. My eldest is turning into a young woman before my eyes (she’s only nine, I thought I had more time than that) and my middle child might not be into unicorn and fairy books by the time next Summer rolls around. When I think about this, I feel grateful, I feel excited about the future for them, I feel interested and I feel proud. I also feel sadness and a sense of longing.

Sometimes when we find ourselves carrying around a mixture of conflicting feelings, we sort of dismiss it and just press on. Recently I have found myself feeling a little bit muddled in my head, feeling a sort of pressure to just crack on, part of me already being in work mode, some of that sadness floating about but not really acknowledging it, and all of that pushing on a sense of guilt, that I shouldn’t be wanting to go back to work, that I should be holding on to every moment that I can. That’s all too muddled though, so I find myself just being a bit distracted and not really in the moment.

For me, a useful thing to think about here is proper endings. The end of the Summer holidays isn’t a concrete ending, because all being well, our lives will continue on beyond it much as they were before. However, it is an ending of a kind. It is an ending to a little mini-phase of our lives that has given us a lot. It is also a marker, a moment which highlights the changes and development of the kids, which sometimes means the closing of one phase and movement into another. When there is an ending and we have muddled feelings about it, saying a proper goodbye and thank you can be helpful. In my case, I want to say:

Thank you, Summer 2025.

Thank you for the moments with my kids, bobbing around, hearing them laugh, seeing them being “beach people” and running through sand dunes. Thank you for the car trips with musical soundtracks that we all like. For being another Summer where my kids want to sit on my lap and hold my hand. Thank you for the time with family. I always leave feeling like I need more of it, but I am grateful for what we had.

I don’t know who I am thanking when I say thank you for these bits, too, but maybe the who doesn’t matter, it is just about saying the thank you and goodbye:

I am grateful for the time I had with my kids when they were tiny, when they couldn’t do things for themselves. We are leaving a lot of that behind now and in some ways I am relieved and in some ways I will miss it terribly. Thank you for pudgy sticky hands and little waddling walks. Thank you for the first words and shoulder rides (I can still do that for now, to be fair, but not for long). Thank you for the words they mispronounced and for the times they fell asleep in the car. I have loved it.

I’ve got myself a bit tearful writing this but I suppose that’s the point really. When we feel a bit muddled, sometimes that’s because there’s strong emotion buzzing around in the background but we aren’t facing into it. Sometimes it is useful to just spend some time leaning into it for a while. I might feel tearful, but I also feel like my mind has slowed down somewhat and things are clearer.

Goodbye Summer 2025, it’s been great.

Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. Here’s to what Autumn and Winter hold in store.