3 minute read
Q. I am 25 and have never had a boyfriend. My friends tell me I am attractive and that they don’t know why I am single – but they don’t know that I have never had a relationship. I am confident, and am doing well in my career. If I like someone, I flirt with them and they often seem interested but it comes to nothing, and I feel hurt, as though they have been stringing me along. Do you think it could be because I am a bit overweight? Name supplied
A. In a loving way, I want to say to you: no, your weight does not determine either your lovability or your love ability. I am going to suggest a rather counterintuitive idea – go on a social-media diet designed to make you feel better. It starts with Jameela Jamil’s @i_weigh campaign on Instagram. It is a rallying cry to step away from conversations about our bodies, and reclaim integrity, contribution to society and kindness among the values that we worship. Also look for @bodyposipanda.
Regarding the boyfriend question, I invite you to look at the idea of friendships in general. It sounds as if you are part of group activities, but lack intimacy in the sense of being real, connected and vulnerable (the word intimacy is often misused, as if it’s just sex; see here).
If being known and accepted are part of the relationship you want, try the baby step of letting one carefully chosen friend know how you feel. It is hard to accept love from another person if there’s an unkind voice in your head getting in the way. Remember that if anyone makes you feel that you need to be ‘less than’ to win their love, then they’ve already lost.
Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email firstname.lastname@example.org, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line.