‘All under-threes should be cared for at home’
The psychiatrist: Oliver James
Right now, being a stay-at-home mother has a lower status than that of streetsweeper. The current government has pursued policies that encourage more parents of young children to enter the workplace and put the demands of their careers before the needs of their children.
In most of mainland Western Europe, nearly all children under one are cared for by a parent. There is little question that children under three should be cared for by one person who knows them well.
Toddlers need to feel secure that their needs will be met, and that they will be loved in later life. In my view, what we need is a less consumerist society, where both parents do not feel compelled to work during the amazing early years. That means rethinking both our workaholism and our materialism.
Oliver James is author of The Selfish Capitalist (Vermilion)
‘Women can’t afford not to go back to work’
The author: Joanna Grigg
It would be foolish not to keep your foot in the door regarding your career: nearly half of all mums will end up as single parents, and with the gender pay gap still more than 12 per cent, if you let your skills lapse and don’t go to work at all in your children’s early years, this gap widens even further.
We are still a ‘presenteeism’ culture that values bums on seats at regular hours – often, the longer the better – so part-time workers can be perceived as ineffective.
There is a growing skills shortage in the UK’s workforce, and employers can no longer afford to ignore working mums who feel alienated and undervalued.
The bulk of research shows that nursery doesn’t harm children, the real issue being that your child feels loved, and you don’t need to be a stay-at-home mum for this. If you’re miserable at home, you’ll be a terrible parent.
Joanna Grigg is author of Collapsing Careers: How The Workplace Short-changes Mothers (Vision).
Comments
I think it’s incredibly important to be there 100% in the early years for your toddler/young child.
I was ‘neglected’ in that my Dad was a sailor who frequently was away for a year at a time, since before my birth. My mum went back to work within months of my birth and I was being looked after by grandparents. They needed the income and there was no job security, fair enough. What I couldn’t forgive my mum for and what scarred me for life (have always been crippled with social anxiety, depression and personality disorder since childhood) was the fact that mum left me at random nurseries whilst she did errands and then she left the country when I was 4 and came back to pick me up to live with her and Dad when I was 9. By that time I didn’t know who she was, felt emotionally empty and afraid of the world and eternally depressed. I have snippets of memories of crying infront of strangers, being yelled at because I wet the bed, wet my pants during the day..I felt that something was wrong with me and all I could do, as a young child, was to cry inside. I didn’t know I needed help and nobody helped me. Most importantly my mother did not help me. After many years of therapy (even at the Priory)i’m still unable to face life.
This was a grim and extreme story but the feeling of being unloved, empty, and self hating is still too fresh, all because my mum wasn’t there when I needed her.
I am a SAHM now to a 20month old toddler and have been since the start. She is incredibly well adjusted, social, curious, loving and fun, and we get on like a house on fire. I am not going to repeat the mistake of the past. My biggest gripe is that I won’t be a good role model as I cannot hold down any job (despite having a 1st class degree).
There have been so many studies… kids of working mums watch more tv and are more overweight, daughters of working mums get better grades and have better careers, babies of working mothers are sick more often, back and forth. BUT children of mothers who are happy, doing what they love, are always better off than resentful, depressed mothers. Fact! So, if you love to be a stay-at-home mum, go for it. If the thought of being alone with no-one but babies for most of the day makes you cry, then go to work, and come home to your children. Give them a big hug and say “I had a lovely day! How was yours?”
Tip for stay-at-home mums who want it all: Charities need your professional skills desperately, especially in this economy. Volunteering is a great way to meet new people, keep your skills current, and fill out your resume, and need only take a few hours a month if that’s all the time you’ve got to spare between loads of laundry
Plus, they usually don’t mind if you bring baby along to meetings.
I am a young 28 year old woman who currently works full time and I do not have any children.
One day though in the next couple of years I would love to have a baby and the idea of leaving them at a nursery with strangers at such a young age does not feel right to me.
It is important to be a mum and bond with your baby when they are young. Why is everyone these days so driven to ‘have it all’? – what’s wrong with being a stay at home mum for the first couple of years at least? Why bother having children at all if you aren’t going to be there to see them grow and enjoy being with them?