I’m worried that people at work think I’m stupid. I’m the newest member of the team, and the other three women seem very close. They’re a bit older than me and they talk about books and theatre. When I told one of them I liked going to the gym she laughed, and since then she’s stopped including me in discussions and patronises me. I don’t want to make an enemy of her, but I don’t know what to do.
Lucy Beresford answers: Your colleagues are behaving like children because they see you as a threat. They might be scared you’ll be better at the job than they are, or fear their cosy little group is being invaded by you. The bottom line is, they feel insecure.
And when humans feel under threat, they attack. So they chuck their spears to see which one penetrates. But spears only wound when the aim is accurate. You worry these women think you’re stupid and my sense is that, deep down, you fear they’re right.
Going to the gym isn’t a comment on intellect, just as talking about books and plays doesn’t prove that someone is bright. It’s horrid to feel excluded, and maybe their behaviour is resurrecting some old memories in you. But you’re an adult and are their equal. I like that you’re alert to not making enemies, but there’s a big difference between being confrontational and being assertive. Focus on your self-respect and when they patronise you again, assert yourself firmly yet pleasantly to correct them. And remember, you haven’t been hired to befriend these people. However exhausting it is to endure the office politics, fitting in must come second to out-shining them by doing your job well.
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