I introduced two of my best friends to each other 10 years ago and we’ve been a close trio ever since. Recently, however, I found out that they had been to the cinema together a couple of times, without inviting me. The friend who let it slip tried to play it down, saying they thought I wouldn’t have liked the film, but I can’t help feeling incredibly hurt that they didn’t even ask me. I know it sounds childish, but I can’t bear the thought of my best friends leaving me out.
Lucy Beresford replies: When we reveal that we think our reaction to something sounds childish, this is often the clue that what is affecting us is actually an echo of something that affected us in our childhood, something that we never quite got to grips with back then and yet is still powerful. The idea of feeling left out can resurrect very strong feelings from childhood — from the playground, or our family of origin, which can haunt us well into adulthood.
There are two areas you might want to look at here: one is the you from your childhood, and one is the you today. With your childhood self, ask
yourself if there are any other memories that echo the experience you wrote to me about. And try to assess how those episodes made you feel. The work you need to do is around soothing your inner child, and helping her see that, actually, she hasn’t been rejected and abandoned.
Your present self needs to explore and acknowledge the hurt, and at the same time try to look at the reality of the situation. It might be, for example, that the time for the three of you is over. You could look at whether there is an opportunity here for you to socialise with one or other of them, just as a twosome. This will show confidence in your own independence, which in turn will help you — giving in to the hurt too openly might come across as needy and push your friends away entirely.
What would you do in this situation? Add your comment below.
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