After eight years my fiancé and I agreed we wanted different things, so we split up, and I went travelling for a few months. When I came back I discovered my best friend had slept with him while I was away — despite her having criticised our relationship the whole time we were together. She’d often say we argued too much, and it was only when we got engaged that she took our relationship seriously. I’m glad I ended things with my ex, but my renewed look at life has made me decide to cut ties with my friend as well. Am I overreacting?
Lucy Beresford replies: Your anger and hurt are clear and it’s appropriate you acknowledge those emotions to yourself, even if your friends won’t. I’d say you have a right to feel miffed at your (former) best friend’s disloyalty. Her criticism of your relationship at the time sounds in retrospect significant, and may well have stemmed from jealousy and a subconscious desire to see you two separate.
But you did separate and, from the sound of it, the decision was mutual (and, I’m assuming, unrelated to your friend). So to some extent, instead of letting go of old material, you are ironically holding on to it in the drama of telling people you intend to end a friendship.
I suggest instead holding on to the strong part of you that left an engagement that wasn’t working, and seized your own destiny to travel and clear your head. I’m not saying ignore what has gone on (kick-boxing is great for channelling that anger), but focus now on what’s truly important. Strengthen ties with people who share your views on loyalty and friendship, and unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships will soon fall by the wayside without you having to be dramatic about it.
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