Don’t get hung up on why
‘You can forgive someone without understanding why they hurt you,’ says psychotherapist Emma Baskerville. ‘Demanding an explanation can be pointless, as they may not know why they behaved that way themselves.’
A positive first step is to say ‘I don’t know why you did that, but I can accept that it happened and try to move on’.
Accept their apology
If you’re upset, you may suspect someone of faking an apology, or just saying the words to get things back on track.
‘Try to accept their apology without suspicion,’ says Baskerville. ‘Think of it as the crucial platform for further communication. Once they know you accept their regret’s genuine, you can start to rebuild the relationship.’
Let go of blame
Forgiveness is a contract between two people. One promises not to repeat their behaviour, while the other agrees to leave it in the past.
‘If you’ve been badly hurt, there will always be trigger points that remind you of that pain,’ says Baskerville. ‘You need to work through these, without referring back constantly to their mistake.’
Open up
The hardest part of forgiving someone can be exposing yourself to future betrayal. ‘Vulnerability can make us feel weak,’ says Baskerville. ‘But it’s also the key to intimacy, which provides a feeling of safety in relationships.’
We need to open up in order to get close to people, so try not to put up barriers when you’ve been hurt.
Comments
i find it hard to forgive nowadays because i find a lot of people repeat the behavior. they never really regretted the decision but resented the outcome of them no longer have the opportunity to get what they want.
i have found that ‘sorry’ doesnt have much weight and it is usually the more effective way of saying ‘cant you shut up and get over it’.
my forgiveness has been mistaken for condoning.
for those reason i really dont agree with this article. i think you should let go of the past. however you should be selective of the people you try to trust and be open with. some people should be forgiven, forgotten and loved from a distance.
i agree with getting over who is to blame. we are all far from perfect. also feeling like a victim doesnt help. also if many dig deep enough they will find that it is partially their fault for allowing themselves to be treated that way.
i find it hard to forgive nowadays because i find a lot of people repeat the behavior. they never really regretted the decision but resented the outcome of them no longer have the opportunity to get what they want.
i have found that sorry doesnt have much weight and if usually the more effective way of saying ‘cant you shut up and get over it’.
my forgiveness has been mistaken for condoning.
for those reason i really dont agree with this article. i think you let go of the past. however you should be selective of the people you try to trust and be open with.
i agree with getting over who is to blame. we are all far from perfect. also feeling like a victim doesnt help. also if many dig deep enough they will find that it is partially their fault for allowing themselves to be treated that way.