Following on from last year’s successful reader event where we discussed what love means in the twenty-first century, last Friday we held the first event in our series at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, looking at infidelity in the age of the internet.
The panel, chaired by Professor Brett Kahr, author of Sex And the Psyche, included author Tony Parsons; Suzi Godson, Times columnist and editor of moresexdaily.com; and psychosexual therapist Marian O’Connor.
Kahr opened the debate by stating that the internet is both valourised and demonised – it increases the availability of sexual contact, which could be both a good and a bad thing. ‘Infidelity is about opportunity, and the internet is about making connections,’ said Parsons. ‘Twitter is a great forum for flirting.’
The debate swiftly turned to online pornography. Addiction to porn (11 hours a week, according to O’Connor), feels like a betrayal because it can feel that you no longer know the person you’re in a relationship with, said Parsons. But there was, he pointed out, a difference between watching porn online and actively engaging with someone sexually. He believed that if he had grown up with the access to porn that young men have today, his relationships would have suffered. ‘We used to have a simple model to follow when it came to relationships,’ he said. ‘The internet makes it more complicated.’
Godson told how she had, earlier that day, logged on to a marital affairs website using two different profiles – Barbara and Todd. She was required to state her favourite sexual positions. ‘People were obviously connecting for sex with no pretence of looking for a relationship,’ she said. O’Connor, too, had once logged on to a similar site. ‘You lose your grip on reality when you’re online,’ she said. ‘Something is unlocked in the psyche.’ On the plus side, Godson claimed dating websites forced people to address who they were and what they wanted. Often in relationships we are on autopilot, she said, so this can be a good thing to do.
Ultimately, said Godson, betrayal has an emotional impact, whether it’s online or in person. To end, Kahr pointed out that the internet is still very young, we don’t yet know what has been unleashed.
The next event in this series will be held on 15 September, and looks at how women’s changing place in society has affected sexual relationships. Email events@psychologies.co.uk to stay up to date with all our events.
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