Our love lives are full of uncertainties. If we’re single we wish we were in a couple, and if we’re in a couple we’re wondering whether we’re with the right person.
But do these feelings indicate a real desire for change? How do we know if we should try to make our relationship better, or walk away?
Questions to ask yourself
- If you are in a couple, are you happy with the situation? Do you feel it was your choice?
- Do you listen to your partner? Does your partner listen to you?
- Do you look forward to going home to your partner? Do you make plans for the future together?
- Do you think you make a good couple? Do you like going out and meeting new people as a couple?
Analysis and advice
‘When we question our relationship, our feelings and our partner’s feelings, we are really questioning our own identity,’ explains couples therapist Robert Neuburger. ‘We’re asking, “How does the other person see me? What makes them love me?”’ You’re not going to find answers to all these questions, but you can look at the problems and try to identify the cause.
Talk about it
Once the real problems have been identified, you can start to work out your responsibility for them and focus on ways you can improve things. Once you have figured this out, broach it with your partner. To avoid the discussion becoming a settling of scores, you should both suggest ways you might be prepared to change.
‘In cases where a couple are finding it hard to make a decision, and communication is breaking down,’ adds Neuburger, ‘you might find it helpful to talk to someone impartial – a relationship counsellor is probably ideal – before deciding whether to split up.’
Comments
I agree that more damage is done when families continue to stay together when the relationship no longer functions. it is far better for all to be adult and decide enough is enough and go your seperate ways than remain in a loveless marriage. I have decided to end mine after twelve years after trying counselling and relationship therapy as I can see the damage it is doing to the children and us. I am planning to end it but my partner is still in total denial even after talking through my reasons on many occasions. You are showing your child that things can be different and easier for all if your seperate rather than stay for the sake of children, it’s taking responsibilty for your actions and moving forward to a life that you all deserve. Good luck
You sound very brave and your son is lucky you are putting him first, a lot of people in similar situations may want to make the break but are too scared
Just read this part. I’ve just separated from my husband after being together for 13 years, 10 of them married. I made the decision in October and it was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made and never thought that I would be doing it as my parents divorced when i was 11 and you just never think you’d do the same. We grew apart and that was that. I wasn’t happy and I think that once the seed of doubt has set in nothing will ever be the same even if people go to a counsellor, the damage has been done. I feel alot happier now, although ex is still living here and is having a hard time coming to terms with it. But I made the decision because his attitude was affecting our eldest son, and his happiness is more important to me then trying to mend a relationship that was broken ages ago.