How can I persuade my friend not to marry her boyfriend? He is really sweet but, at 30, he’s like a big puppy whereas she is more go-getting and ambitious. His friends are quite young and still go clubbing, whereas her friends are into their careers. I know she has doubts, but he’s so lovely to her, I think she would just feel too guilty if she tried to leave him.
Lucy Beresford answers: Crikey! Are you aware how controlling you sound? Forgive me for sounding strident, but how intriguing that you want to take such an active role in splitting this couple up.
Lots of marriages leave outsiders wondering what on earth one party sees in the other. The reality is that we can never really know what goes on inside another relationship, or what unconscious needs are being exquisitely met. We can only go by what we observe and sometimes (but not always) by what we’re told. So your friend has confided ‘doubts’ to you. You’ve spotted a chink, and you’re going for the jugular.
Maybe your friend wants ‘lovely’. Lots of ambitious career women do. Lots of unambitious women do, too. Truly, there’s nothing wrong with male loveliness. But you’re fixated on difference. This relationship may work. It may not. Staying with someone solely out of guilt for their puppy-ish feelings rarely works, but your friend must decide that for herself. As her mate, I hope you’ll be there for her, either way. But you’ve slipped from caring confidante into potential puppet-master. That’s not what friends do. They listen, and try to understand, and maybe pick up the pieces if (not when) things go wrong. Instead of spending time trying to orchestrate the lives of others, maybe your focus should be on you, and why ‘lovely’ is something you’re so keen to destroy.
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