I’m getting married in six months and have just found out I will probably never be able to have children. I’m devastated, but I also don’t know whether I can tell my fiancé. We’ve always talked about having a big family, and I don’t want to tell him I can’t have children in case he leaves me. I’m so scared of losing him, but also of him finding out, so I haven’t confided in anyone. What should I do?
Lucy Beresford answers: I’m so sorry to hear of the upsetting news tarnishing your wedding plans. But you need to tell your fiancé immediately, as this is crucial, relevant information. It is far, far better that the man you want to share your life with hears this news from you. By not telling him, you are denying reality.
This reality you describe as devastating is not entirely negative. First, you don’t have to struggle alone. In marriage, we weather with a loved one the squalls of life. It just so happens that your gale-force storm has appeared six months before your wedding, not after. There’s also the ‘probably’ bit of your letter — medical miracles do happen and, if not, there is adoption or surrogacy to be explored. Your much-discussed big family is not entirely off the agenda.
I also want to address your fears of abandonment. The cliché is to say that if your fiancé loves you, he’ll stay with you, admiring your honesty and courage. But we must be realistic and say that there is a possibility he’ll decide he wants kids more than he wants you. If you prefer not to involve friends and family, professional therapy may be useful here, not just to explore abandonment fears, but to support you during an upsetting time. But I’m not advocating therapy instead of speaking to your fiancé — tell him today.
Email your dilemmas to dilemmas@psychologies.co.uk
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