I’m married, but I’ve been seeing a man at work off and on for seven years. Four years ago, my husband found out and gave me an ultimatum. I chose to stay with him and tried hard to make our marriage work, but eventually slipped back into a physical relationship with the other man. He’s now living with someone else but says he can’t live without me. Why can’t I make a decision to leave one or other of them? Is it selfishness? What do I need to do to make a choice?
Lucy Beresford replies: The fact that you’ve repeated your betrayal reveals you have conflicting needs being met by the current situation. The man who claims he can’t live without you now lives with someone else. It’s possible you haven’t left the security of your marriage because you fear your lover’s unreliability. You stay married because part of you craves safety.
However, another part of you craves excitement. The sporadic relationship with your colleague provides the highs of repeatedly reignited passion. Being desired sexually is flattering, and your lover says he’s unable to live without you, so you feel wanted. The two of you have never had to adjust to day-to-day life as a couple, so you exist in an alluring bubble of ‘forbidden’ lust.
You’re sleep-walking through your life. Only when your husband gave you an ultimatum four years ago did you wake up for a while and try and work at your marriage. Maybe you’re hoping he’ll find out again, saving you the bother of taking responsibility.
To make choices in life we need to understand what it is we want – not perhaps the thing itself, but what it represents. We need to take responsibility for our actions and understand why we choose to repeat our behaviour. Try to work out what you really want and your path will become clearer.
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