Last year, I began dating a man I’d been friends with for about five years. At first, it was great – we had lots in common and we never argued. The problem was I wasn’t sure if he wanted anything serious. After a few months, he said he wasn’t really sure what he wanted and that he wasn’t good in relationships, so he ended it. I miss him like mad. Should I try to rekindle what we had?
Lucy Beresford replies: I’m assuming that, although you were friends before you started dating, now you’re no longer dating you’re not seeing him at all. So, sadly, not only have you lost a boyfriend, but also a friend – the kind of person we turn to when a love relationship breaks down and we need some comfort and support.
The frustrating thing about love is that we cannot force people to love us back. We may believe that all the elements are in place for the perfect relationship (lots in common, never argue), but that doesn’t mean the other person feels the same way. Nor do these elements guarantee that a great friendship can necessarily make the crossover to a more intimate relationship. In fact, such apparent compatibility might be the very thing precluding intimacy.
It’s good for your wellbeing to acknowledge that you miss him but, at the same time, you need to respect his point of view. He’s given you two reasons for ending the relationship and, while I can’t tell if he’s just letting you down gently, he has at least been up front with you about what he doesn’t want.
You cannot control him or this situation. What you can be in charge of is rebuilding a life for yourself with different people in it. That way, you are not so reliant on him, and he doesn’t feel under pressure from you.
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