Whenever we socialise together, my partner goes off and talks to other people and spends very little time with me. I feel hurt and ignored by his behaviour, and it makes me question why he’s with me. When I raised this with him, he said I ought to develop a thicker skin, and that he’d feel happier if I didn’t need to spend so much time exclusively with him. We’ve been together two-and-a-half years, and now I don’t know if we’re truly suited.
Lucy Beresford replies: Space in relationships is healthy and important, so I don’t have a problem with your partner talking to others on the occasions when you socialise in a group. Some couples, can you believe it, even arrange to socialise separately! What I couldn’t gauge from your letter was whether you live together and whether the two of you ever socialise à deux, because if so, then your partner might just be asking for balance.
And it might help to recognise that just because he’s talking to other people doesn’t mean he’s ignoring you. Sitting in a restaurant with him while he plays Sudoku: now that’s being ignored.
But your hurt suggests to me that you want something from him you’re not getting. You need to ask
yourself what that is. Is it attention, or the odd gesture from him in a group to make you feel special? Or do you want to be joined at the hip? And here’s a more left-field question: did either of your parents ever leave you feeling ignored?
It sounds to me like it’s time for a conversation, just the two of you. Talk to your partner about what you really want, and give him the opportunity to talk about what he wants too. Only that way will you know whether this relationship has a future.
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