Bring out the best in you

We may pride ourselves on our independence and on being self-sufficient, but we still depend on a network of friends. Other people – if they’re the right people – help us grow and develop, and live life to the full. They may be challenging, supportive, even demanding, but they keep us engaged and on track.

Our friends play different roles in our lives – mentor, confidante, partner in crime– but with the people we need around us, we can know ourselves better, and bring out the best in us. So how do we find them and keep them?

(Read the full Dossier in the October issue of Psychologies Magazine - extract of interview with comedian Rhona Cameron below - Rhona's latest book is The Naked Drinking Club, Ebury £7.99)

Circle of friends

Comedian Rhona Cameron has a tight circle of close friends whom she’s known for years. Each plays a different role in her life, but they have become her family. Here Rhona and her friends talk about bad behaviour, loyalty and being real:

Rhona:
‘I've had a very mad damaged, difficult and wonderful life, and my friends have had to see me through it. All my friends have quite a lot of problems, most have experienced death at a young age. They have damaged psyches, but they also have psychological awareness and an ability to overcome their problems.

They're all warm, beautiful people. When I start a relationship with someone they always want my friends. My friends are better than anyone else's friends. (I have researched this theory thoroughly.)’

Maggie Mckeown (42, works in the wine industry)
‘I’ve known Rhona for 20 years. We met outside a theatre in Edinburgh where we were both applying for jobs, and there was an instant connection: we both knew we were going to know each other.

We don’t have to call every day. If I haven’t seen her for six months we just talk rubbish and make each other laugh for a few hours until we re-establish a normal level of conversation.

The life we lived in our 20s was madness, it was completely hedonistic - it’s remarkable we’ve come through it. We’re like sisters now. I’m very close to her mother, I’m like her adopted West Coast daughter. Our friendship is very family oriented.

Rhona:
We met as dressers in the Kings Theatre Edinburgh in 1988. She is very close to my mother, and stays with her when I’m away, so she's like a sibling. Last year she returned from a trip around the world and as usual we just picked up where we left off. She is still able to drink and have a laugh and still function normally. – I unfortunately couldn't do that and have a whole life. When I see Maggie I do want to drink with her again as it was such fun, but we're also fine without it.

She was a club DJ but feels she doesn't want to continue with that in her 40s so she's retraining to go into the wine trade. She ikes to remind me that when we met, I was cleaning the toilets in the café she co-owned.

Deb Pisani (44, TV line producer)
She can be carefree and mad and I’m the sensible one. Sometimes it’s a parent/child relationship, she comes to me for advice and support. But when I got sick she was there for me. She is very good and calm in a crisis, she drove me to hospital and took charge, and was there when I woke up after my operation.

She’s very charming, very lovable. But also, you know exactly where you stand with her. We argue sometimes, but that doesn’t change anything. We say that we think: there’s no boundaries. It’s unconditional love.

Rhona:
A couple of years ago I bought a house and it needed a lot of work, it was an absolute disaster, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Deb said ‘Put your stuff in storage and sell the house and come and stay in my spare room and write your fucking book. So I did. But while I was there, she got really ill, and I took her up to the hospital. There was some sort of problem, and they were saying they couldn't take her. I’m really good at kicking ass. I wheeled her up and sorted her out. I had to wash and change her and stuff - the good thing about sleeping with your friends is you can go the extra mile.

Carol Brown (45, sports coach)
‘I got on the wrong foot with Rhona at first. I said, ‘I’ve seen your face before’ and she said, ‘Well yes, I’m Rhona Cameron…’ and I said ‘No, behind the bike sheds at Musselburgh.’ I was running Camden Football Club when she joined. We clashed at first but the Scottish link was stronger… compared to all the little soft southerners.

It’s been a challenge: I work with children and this friendship is more demanding. She’s not like other people. She’s an embarrassing big kid. It’s been a rocky ride, I’ve had to defend her quite a few times. I’ve had so many black eyes because of her.

Rhona:
Carol is the only friend I've never slept with – and not for want of trying. She's from Dumfries, but lives in London. We met at Camden football club when I joined eight years ago. Carol is the best player.
Most of us joined the team because we need to belong to something, and some of us use the football as an arena to act out family stuff. (Me being the worst offender- but best defender) I've gone through crises with the team but I couldn't have got sober without football. It's my family in London. Carol's a dreamer and very spiritual, but our main source of humour is Irvine Welsh-speak. I try to steer her away from crystals and more towards psychoanalysis. With great effort and thousands of pounds and hours, I've learnt that through analysis we can change our sub-conscious drives and therefore our lives- not that I haven't dabbled with crystals.…

Carol's my buddy and I would take her to my desert Island. We are ageless and timeless when together- she comes round and we go out on our bikes, or climb over the wall into Highgate cemetery late at night. We have intense, drawn-out conversations. There's no superficiality to her. She's got great depth and humour, but she struggles to come to terms with the fact that I am a better surfer than her, and that I beat her at an arm wrestle in Cornwall in 2003.

Naomi Seekings (41, film editor)
We have these tremendous creative talks, we get into a bubble of ideas, and by the end of the evening we’ve made the film, written the book… it’s a friendship of ideas.

She’s got a moral streak, and she’s attracted to people who’ve been through the storm. Even when she was a drinker you knew she was battling with something, that she’d come through it. She’s always challenging, but you can say anything and she understands.

Rhona:
Naomi will be my first friend who's had a child. I hope it's a boy as I’m really looking forward to playing football with him. (Not that I won’t with a girl but boys scream less.) We met when we were both tour guides at the Museum of the Moving Image. The first thing I said to her was, ‘You're like me: you're a bit thick around the knees.

We've had history, and so many laughs. She's also been through depression like me, and got her life back on track. now she's pregnant and happy. And I can't wait to be an auntie.