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Rejecting modern life?
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  • Anonymous
    08/08/2008 10:07 am | Subject: Rejecting modern life?

    Over the last 6 months or so, I have started to feel increasingly at odds with society - culture, people, materialism - everything. I am nearly 30 years old, and in a stable, happy relationship. HOwever, I used to enjoy shopping, buying new clothes, reading the occasional celebrity magazine, going out with friends dancing etc - the usual type of things that people enjoy. However,this year I have started to feel increasingly disgusted with this type of living. I feel like every where I turn, people are obsessed with themselves - the amount of money they earn, the type of car/clothes they have - and I feel as if people care less and less about being polite, friendly - gracious. I have got to the point where all I want to do is escape from people -to be with my dog and my partner in the countryside, away from noise, people etc. When I go out of the house, I sometimes feel like I cam´t breathe, my heart beats quickly, and I just want to get home. I´ve stopped wanting to see friends (not that I have many) and it is a real effort to keep in touch with people even by email, whereas previously I always did this. I have lost interest in the things I enjoyed doing - writing and reading. I have no inspiration anymore, and I don´t know what I want. At home, I try to motivate myself by listening to music, but end up in silence as my CD collection no longer appeals to me. I spend time on Facebook, looking at photos of old friends etc, then feel disgusted in myself for wasting my time doing this, and feel like I should be doing something more constructive. I try reading non fiction to stimulate my mind, but it feels like a fog. I am, or I was, an intelligent person, with 2 degrees and good jobs. 5 years ago I moved abroad, and my career changed drastically, and I´ve spent the last 2 years doing a job that paid well but didn´t challenge me at all. I do feel that my 5 years have been worthy though, as I now speak the local language fluently and have met a wonderful person in my partner. I have made the decision to leave my job and return to the UK with my partner, but I´m worried that I will find society and culture even worse there, in terms of materialism and celebrity-obsession. I just want to escape and live somewhere remote with my partner and our animals, and enjoy simple things like being among nature, and hope I will regain my interest in writing again. But it´s not so simple in reality - economically, I need to move at least to a more urban area so I can find a job etc - I will be supporting my partner until he learns English and finds a job. I will be moving back to an area where I have family - and this fills me with hope, but I also feel like I have lost all common links with old friends etc, and that their way of life now (going out, getting drunk, constantly buying celebrity magazines and gossiping about people) is so different to what I want. I don´t mean to sound superior, or like Iñm a notch above everyone else - I don´t feel like that. In fact, I wonder what on earth is wrong with me. I imagine it´s normal and healthy to want to change your life somewhat now and again, but why am I feeling such a loathing for society and such a feeling of being the odd one out all of a sudden? My only saving grace is that my partner is rather similar in that he too is at his happiest when we escape the city, and are in the countryside etc, but he doens´t seem to suffer physically the way I do. I have developed rather bad IBS this year, and skin problems, and I am sure this is connected with how I feel emotionally. I eat very healthily, exercise regularly, and try to sleep and relax - although the move to the UK is worrying me and I am very busy which makes relaxing difficult. I feel like I am a ticking bomb sometimes, that on the outside people see a friendly, smiling person - who always says "Fine!" when people ask how I am, but inside I feel frustrated, irritated and anxious. I have tried typing in Google words like "I hate modern life" or "rejecting modern ways of living" but I don´t seem to find anything or anyone similar to how I feel. I would REALLY appreciate advice, as being in a foreign country can be lonely, and at times like this that feeling is only made worse. Thank you.

  • Jonesy
    08/08/2008 10:28 am | Subject:

    Try to take a broader view of urban life - it isn't all bars and shopping - and take time to discover some of the great things and people that exist alongside the more visible and 'superficial' pastimes. You'll soon find many others who think and feel like you. Some of the things my friends do, in an urban setting, that bring them into contact with like minded people are: photography courses, volunteering (including: with disabled children; environmental restoration; at places of architectural interest, with refugees, shopping for elderly neighbours), foreign language conversation groups, run film clubs, partake in political campaigning, join art societies and writing groups, even work on a shared allotment (which by the way has a great community life). Also don't forget you've been abroad for 5 years - in their day to day lives your friends may have moved on too even if they seem to be the same on your trips home. However, your reaction to this phenomenon is so extreme I'm wondering if it's really a reaction to modern life that is stopping you reading and seeing friends? You've described some classic symptoms of anxiety and depression so it would be a good idea to talk to a professional about the way you are feeling - the fact that it is affecting you physically suggests you are repressing yourself to an undesirable degree. The tone of your letter makes me want to suggest something which is pretty hard to do, but do try to see the good that happens around you and stop focusing on the bad. There's lots going on in a city, from a bus driver making a joke to a sunset reflected a thousand times in a glass-clad building or a quiet half an hour reading in a secluded square or churchyard. Finally, don't worry about the people around you - ensure your lifestyle and concerns are the ones that seem important to you and you'll soon surround yourself with people who feel the same way.

  • Mandapanda13
    14/08/2008 10:16 pm | Subject:

    Hi Sweetie, You sound just like I did a few weeks ago, completely fed up and stressed out. Its hard, but at least you have recognised things and have deceided to come back to the UK. It may seem monumental now, but beleive me making the decision to do something is sometimers harder than actually doing it. I had a great job working for the local authority, however, after years of bullying by my manager I have deceided enough is enough. Like you I have a very supportive partner and he has agreed that ok, it will be very hard for a while, but he is going to work (he does anyway), while I take a year out and go back to college. I live in the country, its very rural in West Wales, I am 8 miles from the nearest town which is far enough away to escape the crowds but close enough to do the shopping meet family/friends etc. So can totally understand why you need to be somewhere quiet. I went through a phase of hating the super-rich and then even went through a phase of mega jealousy towards my own family, (in that my brothers are married with children and I can't have any myself) but it doesn't last and talking about it can genuinely help. (Although I did see a proffesional for this as my partner has a child so I found it difficult to talk yo him about it.) These feelings are completely normal. You know your an intelligent person, you know what makes you tick, its not easy to have a huge life change/career change and still expect your mind and body to accept the changes and move on. Take it day by day, and good luck with your move to the UK. You are a strong, intelligent dtermind person and you know you can do it! Good luck.

  • dazedandconfused
    22/08/2008 7:19 pm | Subject:

    Hi, As I read your letter, it was like I was reading something I had written myself. Unfortunately I can't offer you any advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am 31 and am currently living abroad after living in the UK too. One of the reasons why I left was because of the syndromes you describe. I just couldn't deal with it anymore and it made me stressful and unhappy. Like you, I am finding it hard to keep in touch with friends (the few that I have) and emails and Facebook stresses me out. I go to work and am happy to go straight home. I don't want to socialise anymore as its such an effort and I prefer being on my own. This makes things hard as am I am living abroad, I need to make friends and would like to meet someone. I'm feeling like there is something wrong with me!! You are very lucky in that you have a partner who loves and supports you and can understand you. I'm beginning to wonder if when we hit our 30's we go through some kind of mid-life crisis? There is so much pressure on women these days, especially when we hit 30. I feel almost ashamed that I need to explain to my old childhood friends on Facebook that I am single with no kids while everyone is married and have children. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. All the best with your move back to the UK.

  • warrior princess
    28/08/2008 2:33 pm | Subject:

    Hello. Upon reding your letter i felt a sadness that i have felt myself. I would like to say to you that throughout our lives we go through many changes. Our points of view change, our tastes in food, clothes, people, tv programmes, drinks, music, even our favourite places change.....the list is endless and i believe these changes occur because, as we grow our souls grow too therefore our needs and wants change with us. I think on a primieval level most of us are afraid of change as stability seems to provide comfort. But if you embrace change and people in every instant, good and bad, it is liberating. We sometimes have to accept that bad things happen to us and those we love, but it is worth bearing in mind that every person has their own lessons to learn and that we all learn in different ways. When i was a small child...through to my early 20's really (i'm 30) i felt like i just didn't fit, i didn't like the way society seemed to dictate so much yet we are told we are free! I found strong minded people intimidating and i submitted to their apparent authority. Always feeling inferior and different i sought solitude, which allowed me to look deeper into myself and find great strength in my own beleifs and values. That strength has always been there only i was blind to it. Don't get me wrong i have many great childhood memories and i formed great friendships along the way. Not all good but each and every one has taught me a great deal about myself and others. When you know, accept and love the person you are you will find that you attract like mided people. And then you know you are on the right path. Love everybody freely. Forgive them when they are not there for you...even though you were there for them. You have given your time, your compassion and your energy for free...because it was right for you at that time. There are people we meet that drain our energy, they leave us feeling tired and weak....then there are people we meet that match or intensify our energy leaving us feeling fresh and free! Be mindful of protecting yourself from the people that drain your energy (maybe by avoiding contact)..not because you are better than they are simply because you love yourself. If there are times when you can't give to your friends/family/whoever is asking for it then forgive yourself because you have refused out of a loyalty that you seem to give easily to those around without allowing it to apply to yourself. Allow yourself the benfit of your kind nature. I wish you all the best. Sarah xx

  • Participant
    06/09/2008 7:11 pm | Subject:

    I've just joined this Forum, just read your post, could completely identify with your feelings and circumstance! I also live abroad, having decided to (try to) leave behind many things, including the work/life culture I'd been experiencing and have rejected. There's always a "culture shock" to adjust to and learn from whenever we change country, and even as time passes - even in one place - and social mores change at ever-increasing speed. You probably enjoyed the film "Into the Wild", if you saw it? I guess what matters is knowing that there's nothing wrong with the wishing for a different society whilst, however, being constructive and open in our lifestyle decisions - rather than becoming withdrawn. Easier said than done. Determining to notice the positive aspects of society is hard, especially since the Media these days has such a hold over the attitudes and behaviour of the people run into. It would appear there's no authenticity in our everyday interactions with others. I am lonely, like yourself. For many reasons. The only inspiration, apart from wonderful Nature or spirituality, is to be found in our fellow man; as several contributors have suggested in response to your post. Perhaps the barriers you've been putting up need to be addressed separately - our legitimate and healthy critique of society can be separate to deeper, personal issues which require recognition and healing and love... Going back to the aforementioned film (also book, ITW), a quote from the protagonist, McCandless, "Happiness only real when shared". I trust you will blossom.

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