The price of friendship?25/06/2008 3:59 pm

Last week was a bit busier, socially, than usual, but not much. Here’s what I did:

At the start of the week a friend called to ask if I was free for a “quick after work drink”. She’s just started a new job, and I knew she really wanted to talk about it. We had a pizza, salad and a glass of wine, cost - £34.00 each. A few days later I met another friend who has been through a horrible break up. That was a later night and a bottle of wine, plus some chips and dips to wash it down, cost - £25 (I paid), plus a not-great night’s sleep from all the wine. Then at the weekend I caught up with another old friend I’ve been trying to see for ages – we had curry and beer, cost £30 each. That’s £89, plus a lot of alcohol I didn’t really want – in one week.

I’m all for the New Austerity. Whether by choice (consumer hangover, ethical concerns) or necessity (credit crunch, mortgage nightmare, inflation), everyone I know is making much more considered choices about how they spend their money these days.

I’m even taking pleasure in discovering new ways to save money (I’ve just read an excellent book, The New English Kitchen by Rose Prince, which is a cook book, but also a guide to rethinking how we food shop, eat and cook to minimise waste. The recipes are delicious, but it’s also a great resource and inspiration and has already made a huge difference to my food recycling bin.).

But when it comes to my friendships, how do I begin to cut back on spending (and drinking) while still giving time? I know the solutions are obvious on paper: don’t meet your friends in bars or restaurants. But that’s easier said than done.

The first friend lives a long way from me, but we both work in central London, so meeting after work is the only chance we get to see each other on any kind of regular basis. Coffee bars don’t stay open late, so bars and restaurants are our only option.

The second friend wants privacy - she doesn’t want my family or her housemate to hear all she has to say, and to be frank, she wants to drink and she doesn’t want to drink alone.

And the third friend, a mother to four children, relishes the chance to get out of the house and away from the kids for a change – she doesn’t want a cup of tea at my kitchen table, she wants a couple of drinks, a meal with no washing up and a chance to stop being a responsible person for a few hours.

I’d like to drink less, and it would be nice to spend less in restaurants, but not more than I’d like to be a good friend – and friendship requires contact and support. I’ve made similar demands on my friends in the past, and know that they depend on regular meetings and heart to hearts with me as much as I do with them.

Unilateral sobriety doesn’t work either – if one friend really wants to drink, she will be disappointed and more inhibited if the other doesn’t have at least a glass (or two) of wine. As problems go, it’s not up there with the serious ones, but it’s a real conundrum.

Am I repaying past kindnesses and being a good friend, or am I too eager to please, and effectively letting other people make decisions for me? I’m asking, because I’m honestly not sure of the answer…

Email your comments

"I think yours is a dilemma that a lot of people (especially women) face, and I myself could do with rethinking how my friends and I spend our ‘catch-up time’, as my wallet (and my liver) have recently been taking a big hit! When pondering your question I also couldn’t help but draw on your previous blog – is our ritual of meeting up with friends in restaurants and bars simply another habit we follow without ever making a conscious effort to challenge it?"

Sophie

"You are definitely allowing the wishes of others to control you and putting your friends' needs above your own. I'm finding it easier and easier these days to say "no" when I don't want to go out or can't afford to go out. I find it easy to say "no" to an expensive dinner or a second glass of wine. Why? Because if my friends can't (or won't) understand my desire to stay within my budget AND within my health goals, they're not really my friends anyway. I feel totally confident and comfortable drawing the hard line that way because I would do the very same for them. I'm always there for my friends 100%, just as they are there for me, but we respect each other's budgets. And our waistlines."

Anonymous

"Friends like you are rare. Your availability, kindness and generosity (with time) is priceless. But three nights out at short notice, was there anyone who was put out at home?"

Sonja

"I know this is a time (summer) and weather-dependent solution, but I think that you could perhaps try being a little more creative with just a few of your catch-ups. Why not go for a walk in one of the London parks, and only afterwards go for a single drink? Or even better, do a picnic! Picnics let you spend way less and choose a mixture of healthy and calorific treats – not to mention how much cheaper wine is in the food store. Other than these little suggestions, I believe your degree of friendship seems fabulous. At the end of the day, if you think of the “last day of my life scenario” or how you’ll think back on your life as an older person – what will you wish you’d done more of? I know that being there for my friends is way higher on the list than looking after my waistline or even my wallet. Stay the good friend you are!"
Sanna