Mess30/06/2008 9:24 am

I love getting my own way – don’t we all? Which makes it all the more puzzling that I’m so bad at it. A simple but typical example: a few weeks ago, I wanted my son to tidy his room, so threatened him with withdrawal of his allowance/computer games/going out privileges if it wasn’t immaculate by the time I check back in an hour, and guess what? He decided to live without all of them and not clean his room...

What I didn't do, and should have, is think about getting my own way from an entirely different perspective: the other persons. It’s not difficult to see where I went wrong: when somebody threatens me, it makes me feel defensive and angry and defiant, and not remotely inclined to do what they want.

What stops me getting what I want is not other people, but a mixture of my own ego, mood and vulnerability. “I am not having it, I think, when I see the chaos that is my son’s room, “I do not have to put up with this. I’m busy, I’m tired, and I have better things to do than clean up after some hulking 16 year old”.

All true, probably, but not remotely helpful. If I could step outside my instant, rather self pitying and entitled emotional response, what I’d be thinking is “If I were a 16 year old boy with my mind on other things, what
reaction would I have to a mother I haven’t seen for hours who appears in my doorway shouting about something I have no interest in?” So what should that mother do to engage him in cleaning his room up, instead of driving him into a corner and forcing him to be defiant?

Last week, I tried to put this into action. For a start, I waited until I wasn’t feeling so tired and hard done by, so I was already nicer and not making some unwashed laundry and general clutter stand for All That is Wrong in My Life. And then I tried to make him see what was in it for him: “Your room is a mess, do you want me to help you clean it?” I asked. The implication being that he could clean his room alone or with my help – not cleaning it wasn’t included on the menu. And then I added: “If we get this done fairly quickly, you can use it when your girlfriend comes over and have some privacy” - thereby implying that it wouldn’t be a long, laborious job, and there was a direct benefit to him. We did his room together in about half an hour.

Focusing on motivating the other person rather than offloading our own emotional baggage or protecting our own emotional vulnerabilities is the key. We want something from them, and the least we can do is make it easy for them to give it to us instead of getting in their way. It should be simple, though it often isn’t, and it takes practise to step outside of our own emotional responses and needs. But once you get the hang of it, it gets easier, and it really does work. Which doesn’t just mean we get more of what we want, but we improve our interactions at the same time.

I see it as an act of generosity as well as pragmatism, not as a method of repressing emotional truth, but I discussed this with my brother the other day, and he didn’t agree, “that’s just being manipulative – why shouldn’t you have an honest emotional response, rather than a strategy every time you want something? That doesn’t feel right”.

OK, I said. Do you want to be right, or do you want to get your own way?

Email your comments

"I agree completely --- I work in a boarding school looking after 18 teenage boys!! They are required to bring their dirty laundry downstairs to bins by the laundry, as you can guess this does not happen reliabiy. I did the nagging bit to no avail--now I go up with baskets, calling for the laundry, they all appear, fill the baskets, and will even carry them down for me---job done, just a different way round. Being inventive gets your own way!!! "

Matron!!

"The art of successful parenting and indeed getting people to do what you want is of course manipulative. The alternative,as you point out, is threats and ultimatums, which often don't work and cause more stress and anger for both parties. As an ex-teacher of teenagers with behavioural disorders, when I wanted something done I always gave two options but both would result in getting the result that I wanted. By doing this you empower the other person to feel they have a choice, allow them to save face by feeling they are in control, but in reality get what you want!"

KB