Man On A Ledge In this fast-paced thriller ex-cop and now wanted fugitive (Sam Worthington) stands on the thin ledge of a high-rise building while a police negotiator (Elizabeth Banks) tries to talk him down. But the longer they spend on the ledge, the more she realises that he might have an ulterior motive. Tense, emotional and funny, this film will keep you gripped even if you’re not afraid of heights.

Martha Marcy May Marlene Elizabeth Olsen (above left) makes a powerful debut as a teenager who comes back into her sister’s life after escaping from a cult. Haunted by painful memories, she struggles to re-connect with her family and becomes increasingly afraid of being drawn back into the violent and controlling commune. This disturbing drama will stay with you long after the credits have rolled.

Carnage Roman Polanski’s latest film – adapted from Yasmina Reza’s play – tells the story of two sets of parents who decide to have a cordial meeting after their sons are involved in a playground fight. But the polite discussion soon turns into all-out war as manners are forgotten and the gloves come off. It’s pitch black social comedy, with fine performances from Kate Winslet, Jodie Foster, Christoph Waltz and John C Reilly as the unsympathetic couples.

Nicholas Carr, an influential writer and blogger on the social implications of technology, thinks so. His book The Shallows: How The Internet Is Changing The Way We Think, Read And Remember received tremendous media coverage worldwide before its release in the UK. It taps in to our deepest fears about the internet: that our brains will be overloaded and our synapses changed for ever and that ultimately artificial intelligence will overrule our brains as we become like the machines we created. ‘The pace at which technology emerges now doesn’t leave us time to consider its implications,’ he says.

He’s not the only one to think so. Trend forecaster Richard Watson, author of Future Minds, believes we are moving towards a culture of ‘partial stupidity’. Our speed of communication will force people to respond without thinking things through, he says, and we’ll start to place a higher premium on hand-written documents and Wi-Fi-free cafés and hotels. As we reach the brink of ‘peak attention’ – the point at which our brains cannot absorb any more information – we’ll succumb to fatigue and stress.

Technology has always changed us. Television brought us 24-hour news and celebrity culture, and paved the way for the instant-access digital age. The clock ended our reliance on nature’s rhythms and regimented our living for ever. Even the printed page transformed our culture of oral narrative. Carr notes that the philospher Socrates feared the development of writing would make people forgetful. There were losses, and gains, but we adapted. So, do we really need to worry?

‘Perhaps not since early man first discovered how to use a tool has the human brain been affected so quickly and so dramatically,’ writes neuroscientist Dr Gary Small in his book iBrain: Surviving The Technological Alteration Of The Human Mind. He believes that digital technology is altering how we feel and behave, as well as the core circuitry of our brains.

Small distinguishes between ‘digital natives’ – those who have never known a world without texting, internet and home video games – and ‘digital immigrants’ – those whose neural pathways were shaped long before the advent of modern technology. His research shows that the neural networks in these two groups differ dramatically. In a recent study, the so-called natives, who used the internet regularly, showed greater brain activity in regions responsible for decision-making and complex reasoning, whereas ‘immigrants’ were better at reading facial expressions.

While it’s good news that internet use boosts some brain functions, Small is concerned about the growing body of research that shows an increase in scattered thinking among regular users of digital technology. We are living in a state of continuous partial attention in which we keep track of lots of things but don’t focus on one, as we constantly search for a new contact, new information or a titbit of gossip. In one study from the University of California, office workers were shown to spend only 11 minutes per project. Each time they were distracted from a given task, it took 25 minutes to return to it.

It’s in the economic interest of search engines ‘to drive us to distraction’, Carr points out, because we leave bits of information about ourselves as we jump about. This ‘constant crisis’ puts our brains in a state of heightened stress that continues after we log off, says Small, possibly even reducing short-term memory.

We may have been worried about the culture of distraction since the advent of MTV, but the latest wave of research suggests we aren’t just losing focus, we’re losing different modes of thought.

Carr suggests that search engines may diminish creative thinking because they ‘tend to serve as amplifiers of popularity’. Whether we research a historical topic, medical query or a product, we are following a script that reinforces a consensus about what information is and isn’t important.

In this way, he argues, ‘it’s possible that the internet can shape our thoughts as a society as we move towards a futuristic artificial intelligence’.
It is even possible that our increased use of the internet will affect us spiritually, as we spend less time in slow, deep thought. The act of contemplation not only helps us to combat stress, it helps us to feel connected to the world around us. ‘The easy access to information and open lines of communication are great benefits,’ he says. ‘But if that crowds out contemplative, solitary thought, then we lose what makes us distinctive as individuals and our entire culture reshapes itself to become more utilitarian and focused on efficiency.’

It’s possible that much of our hesitation about the demands of new technology is that we are still measuring our new way of thinking against the old. There are merits to each. It is up to us to decide how we use it.

‘The great achievements in art and culture have come from deep, solitary thinking, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way,’ says Carr. ‘People think in many different ways and sometimes it’s great to be inundated with information and juggle lots of things.’

Present studies suggest that internet usage is crowding out other modes of thought and communication. But there is evidence of a movement resisting ‘our culture of distraction’, according to Maggie Jackson, author of Distracted: The Erosion Of Attention And The Coming Dark Age. In response to office workers complaining that they don’t have time to think anymore, particularly in creative professions, some organisations are setting up quiet rooms, where there is no technology and employees can go to think.

Jackson says that formal policies, such as ‘no emails on Friday’ and designated ‘think days’, have failed in workplaces, largely because she thinks the respect for contemplative time is a ‘collective social challenge’ that needs to come from everyone, rather than a top-down mandate. ‘We need to hammer out etiquette and social values to accompany these dramatic technological advances,’ says Jackson. ‘It’s a topic that needs to be addressed in schools, workplaces and homes.’

In the meantime, we can all think about our use of technology and make an effort to schedule time when we are completely ‘off’. Jackson suggests creating a ‘white room’ at home in which technology is prohibited, and to be aware of distractions and multi-tasking. If we don’t, then perhaps we will put ourselves in real danger of losing that private, quiet part of ourselves.

‘We don’t need to be Luddites or refuseniks,’ says Jackson. ‘But we do need to take tech breaks when we step away and remind ourselves what it means to be human.’

bareMinerals’ Be a Force of Beauty campaign initially set out to create discussion around the statement ‘Pretty is what you are, Beauty is what you do with it’. From this strapline, and its admiral philosophy for championing natural beauty, it bravely opted for an unconventional ‘blind casting’ process in order to choose the models to front the campaign – the first beauty brand ever to do so.

Questionnaires were sent to 271 part-time models and actresses and 78 successful candidates were invited to attend an interview with the casting directors. These interviews took place behind a wall so that each candidate’s appearance was completely concealed and their suitability for the campaign was judged entirely on their answers to such questions as, ‘Who’s the most beautiful person you know?’, ‘What makes them so beautiful?’ and ‘How would you describe “beauty”?’

The final 5 women (Andrea, Keri, Melanie, Lauren and Darlene) were chosen to be the ultimate forces of beauty after overwhelming the directors with their answers to the questions, their stories, fears, dreams, accomplishments and distinguishing quirks.

The campaign was shot by world renowned photographer Rankin, who deliberately by-passed the airbrush and, instead, created naturally stunning images of the women – complete with laughter lines, freckles and other indicators of real beauty .

Jo Swinson, the MP who has been hitting the headlines today for helping to ban the L’Oreal Paris’ Revitalift Repair 10 advert that featured Rachel Weisz, appeared on Daybreak this morning and spoke openly about her support for the bareMinerals campaign.

“Be A Force Of Beauty’ doesn’t only shun retouching, but celebrates women’s ambition and achievement, showing that beauty is about much more than just looks.”

To celebrate the campaign, during the month of February bareMinerals is offering customers one of its famous make-unders and a complementary sample of its award winning SPF15 Foundation in matte or original. Visit bareminerals.co.uk to find your nearest stockist and bareminerals.co.uk/forceofbeauty to learn more about the campaign.

Hi everyone @LucyBeresford here. I’m going to be answering your tweets and Facebook #dilemmas for the next hour. Here we go…

Ali Crowe asks: For 6 years I’ve been trying to work out what to do career-wise. It’s the worst feeling and stops me setting goals. #dilemmas

Ali – you sound stuck. Focus on what you loooove doing. Don’t see it as a new career step just yet, just enjoy the experimenting process, this way you take the pressure off, but still open yourself up to new ideas, new people, new challenges.

@BasilCat123 asks: I analyse everything – it’s stopping me moving forward. Do I have OCD or am I scared of failure? How do I stop? #dilemmas

@BasilCat123 Over-analysis can be a defence so you may be afraid to fail. Challenge your thinking about failure. What’s worst that could happen?

Rosie Wyatt asks: I get anxious during change. I started mindfulness meditation but have had a reaction as it is different. What do I do?

Hi Rosie – You’re not alone – change unsettles most of us. Keep going with the mindfulness as it’s fab for managing anxiety generally. Also break down the change ahead into smaller ‘units’ so that it seems less like one enormous change, less threatening.

@lifeinsomniac asks: Struggle finishing anything and procrastinate with everything, not sure what to do to fix it, hope you can help.

@lifeinsomniac Focus on making your goals manageable, and set realistic deadlines – even if it’s one hour or one day #makeithappen. Mindful meditation can be great for teaching the mind to concentrate. Start with only 10 minutes and build up. Your fears of failure or of finishing things are what you need to explore and conquer. Ask yourself where they might come from

WS asks: A close family member whose family I am staying with tried to physically harm me. I have nowhere else to live and keep on avoiding them because I am scared. I exercise and see a therapist but it’s not enough. #dilemmas

WS – You don’t say how old you are, but do try to strengthen your support network whether at school or work so u have folk to start to confide in.

SB asks: I am unemployed and applying for jobs. In 6 weeks to 3 months I have an op and will be recovering for 2 months after that. Should I tell new employers? If I tell them at interview stage I probably won’t get the role #dilemmas

Hi SB: I reckon honesty is always best policy; new employer would feel annoyed if u withheld important information. You can still wow them at interview with your passion for their company and how much you want to work there and how you hope they can be flexible.

@BubblyT asks: My Uncle’s wife died this morning. It’s his first night alone tonight. I live 200m away. He says he doesn’t want to trouble anyone to stay. When I offered to go and stay, I heard him say to someone ‘don’t like to refuse’ so I don’t know whether to go or not. Other relatives up there, but no one staying. Feel guilty if I don’t but don’t want to intrude when he may want to be alone? I’m torn

@BubblyT I’m sorry to hear your aunt has died. He’s still processing what has happened to him. Don’t rush him into anything. You could go and stay in his area rather than with him so you’re not imposing. But he might want space to process this bereavement

ReT asks: I went out with a guy who triggered anorexia in me. Now I’m recovered I want to get back with him but parents disapprove #dilemmas

ReT: Freud talks of the Compulsion to Repeat. Familiar situations make us feel safe, even if they’re unpleasant. Why do you want to return? Do you love him? Do you hope to re-trigger anorexia? Or do you want to prove you’re conquered it? Defy parents? What’s going on here?

@Farzane86227 asks: How do I stop over thinking? #dilemmas

@Farzane86227 It takes practice, because the brain is meant to think! Throwing yourself into a new activity can calm the mind down a bit

@syrupie asks: Disabled Grad – counseling degree. Hist of mh issues. Stuck as to a career. Thanks #dilemmas

@syrupie Think what you’d love to do. What turns you on? Might not involve your degree subject. And list out your talents; brainstorm. Identify ways of working day by day towards your goal. Slowly but surely, you can #makeithappen Then it’s your self-belief you need to work on. Others are inspired by you. You can do this

Nadia Naddia asks: I always feel low after some time with the same routine and people. How do I stop that? #dilemmas

Hi Nadia Naddia: You could be in a rut, or in toxic friendships. Do an audit of your life. Be selfish: choose things you love to do and only see people you want to be with, who nourish you and fulfill you. New hobby, to get some feel-good vibes whizzing round your system?

Am signing out now. Thanks to all of you kind + brave peeps for sharing your #dilemmas, thoughts, ideas + wisdom with me @LucyBeresford

Best for: making your world a bit bigger

In this tense thriller, flustered mother and divorcee Polly Noble struggles to pursue her career, reliant on the help of cheap illegal labour. Interlaced with her story are four others; refugees from Africa, America and Eastern Europe, they share little except a desire to build their futures in North London. However, their lives become intertwined when a woman is found murdered in Hampstead ponds. Against the harrowing backdrop of prostitution, torture and trafficking, the book is full of courageous acts of kindness, each story providing a powerful account of loneliness and survival in a big city.

One evening we spent a long time talking about death – her death. We talked, laughed and joked about the way certain friends would take centre stage at her funeral, as if it were their drama, not hers. She has been one of my dearest friends for 30 years. I am dreading her death. She isn’t. She says she is no longer afraid. She embraces death. Not welcomes it; embraces it. It’s there and it isn’t going to go away. Her message to me was simple. Don’t mourn me for the future. Enjoy me now.

It was a poignant but simple lesson. Pay attention to the moment. Be present. The future has not yet arrived. And so I did. For those few days I really enjoyed her and took joy in her, just as we should with all our friends, both old and new. Finding a new friend, making a deep connection with another human being, is rare. It doesn’t come along every day, just as love of any sort does not turn up with any regularity, so when it does, it is to be cherished.

One of my closest friends turned up, like a day of brilliant sunshine, five years ago. One of the qualities I love most about her is that she pays attention to her friends. She calls regularly, sends cards (wonderfully uplifting  in these days of casual emails) and shares her feelings with absolute candour. There is no small talk, no pretence, no need to hide behind the armour of false confidence we use to protect ourselves as we go about our day. She is as she is, just as she allows me to be who I am. When I am sad, I cry. When I am happy, I laugh. When I am hungry, she feeds me.

It is the same lesson the friend who is dying taught me – to look after our friends rather than getting too caught up in the busy trivia of life to make that telephone call, type that email to say ‘I hope you’re OK’, compose the brief text that lets us know that we are never too far from somebody’s thoughts.

I have to admit I’m not good at it. My friends often complain that I disappear for days on end, forget to return phone calls or, more honestly, put them off because I don’t like telephones. I think my friends are too busy, or I’m too busy and so the phone stays silent. My answer machine doesn’t. It is filled with messages from friends. The extraordinary thing is that when I disappear, they forgive me. They may scold me, but they forgive my woeful neglect.

When the friend who was staying with me went home, I looked at the list of names by my phone, of all the people I should call and realised there was no ‘should’ about it. I picked up the phone and made call after call, and soon the list was empty, but I was filled with delight. So make that call. Make your day, and somebody else’s. I’m sorry to sound like Pollyanna but, as I have so recently learned (shamefully late), you should cherish the gift you have been given.

‘The idea that we can reveal everything about ourselves to one another is an illusion, since we can’t ever really know everything about ourselves,’ says psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum. But rather than talking about the day’s events, it’s important to talk about feelings. ‘When we say how we feel, it allows others to understand us better.’

Truth doesn’t mean we have to reveal everything we’ve done or thought. ‘It does mean being honest, and having the courage to get to the bottom of our disagreements so that misunderstandings aren’t allowed to ruin the bond between two people,’ says Tenenbaum.

Define your terms
When we begin a new relationship, should we hide details of previous ones? No, says psychoanalyst Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. It makes sense to talk about the past to inspire confidence and trust in one another. Talking about past relationships is a way of saying, ‘You are better than anything I have known before, even if what I’ve had before makes me the way I am now.’

At the same time, it’s important not to give too many details about your past sex life, because jealousy can quickly take hold. We need to be as authentic as possible, tell the truth about who we are deep down and about how we want to live. ‘The risk is that we end up lying to protect the image that the other person is projecting onto us,’ says Tenenbaum.

The start of a relationship is also the right time to talk about the things that make us happy and the things we have missed until now. ‘A man who had a mother who criticised him a lot may well be vulnerable,’ says Tenenbaum. ‘If his partner knows that history, she can accept what he’s like, because she understands the background.’

Infidelity: when to talk, when to keep quiet
‘Confessing to an affair is a good thing when cheating on someone is a symptom of anxiety or unhappiness that does not question a couple’s
future together,’ says Malarewicz. ‘It allows them to confront the crisis and to overcome it. But, as some people are very jealous and impulsive, it’s better to hide certain things, because they may, without giving it enough thought, throw a relationship away.’

Some people misbehave for the pleasure of confessing all to their partner. ‘If you’re tempted to talk about it,’ says psychoanalyst Yves Prigent, ‘before you confess to your other half, talk to a trusted friend to make sure you really understand the reason for the disclosure.’

Zoe, 27, for example, found that over-sharing damaged her relationship. ‘At the beginning, my partner and I talked about our past liaisons. It was a game. I trusted him, so I told him that I was seeing two men at the same time for a couple of months and sometimes I would leave one and jump in a taxi to see the other, without either of them knowing. I didn’t love them and it was fun to go from one of their bodies to the other one.

‘This episode had no impact on my life, but my partner was really bothered by it. He goes back over it with me frequently, and it’s affected him because he thinks that he alone will never be able to give me as much pleasure. It’s not true, but it’s impossible to make him believe it. I really regret telling him this story – it makes him worry and it has cast a huge shadow over our relationship.’

Avoid subjects that make one another angry
‘Never criticise one another’s families or friends,’ says Tenenbaum. Whatever your partner may say about their loved ones, it doesn’t mean that we can say the same things. It’s also important not to force someone into a mould that we have created – for example saying, ‘You’re always doing that…’. Nothing will change if they feel labelled.

Some silences are intended to cause anxiety, for example disappearing for three hours and then saying you only popped out for the paper. ‘There’s a gap in communication,’ says Prigent, ‘which is manipulative. The only purpose of these silences is to get a reaction.’

Pick the right moment
‘Sorting out your rows by using other people is a disaster,’ says Malarewicz. ‘Trying to sort out problems in public risks humiliating the other person. How can we expect them to be open to what we’re saying?’

Equally dangerous are the conversations we have in the car on the way home after a night out. These can quickly lead to accusations. For a conversation to be constructive, it’s better to choose a quiet moment.

We had an amazing response to our memoir-writing competition last year, with more than 500 entries. Psychologies editor Louise Chunn says, ‘Last year’s memoir-writing entries were fascinating, covering everything from childhood to dealing with illness or grief. Readers were so open and engaged that my co-judge Andrea Stuart and I both found it a real challenge to choose just one winner.’

The theme of this year’s writing competition is, simply, a journey. In no more than 500 words, give an account of a journey you have made, physical or emotional, actual or imagined. The judges will be Louise Chunn and Helen Garnons-Williams, fiction publisher at Bloomsbury. We will be looking for the most compelling and well-crafted pieces of writing.

The winner will be invited to a Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook course on how to get published, featuring talks by a guest writer, editors and agents. The winning story will be published in Psychologies. Five runners-up will be published on psychologies.co.uk

How to enter
Send your entry to competition@psychologies.co.uk and be sure to write ‘A Journey’ in the subject line (no attachments please). Or post it to us at Writing Competition, Psychologies, 72 Broadwick Street, London W1F 9EP. We can only accept one entry per person, and we must receive entries by midnight on 13 February 2012.

For full terms and conditions, click here.

For more than 100 years the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook has been helping writers make it into print. It also runs masterclasses, conferences and online services. The Bloomsbury Institute is running a new series of literary events and talks at Bloomsbury’s offices in central London.

Lucy Beresford replies: The unintended consequence of being part of an ex’s life means it’s harder to work out when things are no longer anything to do with you. An ex’s choice of partner is significant when children are young, and one is trying to ensure stability and safety. But your ‘kids’ are now adults and can make up their own minds about their father’s choices.

I’m sure many readers will have a view about the fact that your ex has chosen someone so young. But it’s not for us to condemn him. Both he and she are adults and it’s up to him who he sees. Your children are perhaps more entitled to voice a view, even if it’s one of embarrassment or hilarity. But I tend to think that age is what you make of it, and that people of different generations have as much chance of making it work as couples of similar ages.

So, I guess I haven’t quite worked out what it is you’re worried about, now that your kids are old enough to be married themselves. Is it them you’re worried for? Or, dare I say it, has your own ego been bruised at having been replaced after 10 years by the (admittedly clichéd) younger model?

What would you do? Add your comments below.

Send your dilemmas to dilemmas@psychologies.co.uk