My mum and stepfather have been married for 15 years, and my relationship with him (never good) is getting worse. He has never been interested in me or my brother, and now, whenever we have to see him, he is surly and rude. If he visits my home, he criticises my cooking, my appearance, and then just sits in front of the TV. I feel my mother changes around him, as well, but she says she feels ‘secure’ with him. I think this man hates me, but I am forced to have him in my life.
Lucy Beresford replies: Stepfamilies are tricky beasts at the best of times, so I am sorry to hear that an already poor relationship has deteriorated. Fortunately, from your talk of him visiting your home, I am guessing you are a grown-up now, and grown-ups are better equipped to protect themselves from people who hurt them.
I appreciate that, by being married to your mother, this man is in your life. But that doesn’t mean he has to be in your home. I am a firm believer that our home turf, our safe space, must be ours to do with as we see fit. If, in your home, he only criticises you, then you must make it clear that he and his bullying, destructive behaviour are not welcome.
You need to practise assertiveness and set boundaries. You could, for example, arrange to see your mother separately, on neutral territory (cinema, shopping), so that you can still have a relationship with her. Make it clear to her why you are pursuing this course of action, but don’t then use the time together to persistently denigrate your stepfather. Make it just you-and-her time.
In the future, your mother may be able to influence his attitude – or not. But for now, your priority must be to keep your home a safe environment free from criticism.
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