My sister’s marriage ended last year but I still socialise with Ben, my ex-brother-in-law. Recently, she found out and is furious. She wants me to stop being friends with him. But I knew him before she did. We even went out together for a short time. I don’t want to hurt my sister, but neither do I want to lose my connection with Ben.
Lucy Beresford answers: You say you don’t want to hurt your sister, but you already have. ‘I knew him before she did’ sounds very like a stubborn four-year-old. It’s possible that he has simply become the latest toy you two sisters are still fighting over.
Communication is vital here. Have a heart-to-heart with your sister. Maybe she’s still feeling raw or insecure from the break-up, or betrayed by your friendship with Ben. When you say she ‘found out’ it suggests some duplicity on your part.
You also need to explain how you feel to her — and to yourself. You don’t want a relative trying to control who you see socially, but you need to examine your motives for not letting go. Is it about having something your sister doesn’t have? Did she originally ‘take’ him from you? Do you still hold a candle for this man? Is the friendship a sign of maturity that your sister might eventually learn from? Honest answers will help you work out what’s really going on.
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