My daughter and her husband recently moved house and I now see much more of them and my five-year-old granddaughter. I’m thrilled about that, but I’m worried about how they discipline her. My son-in-law often sends her to bed without dinner for minor indiscretions (not tidying her room or telling lies), and she has told me that he has smacked her for being naughty. My daughter wasn’t raised this way, but she seems to support her husband and is very defensive when I mention it. I don’t think I’m over-reacting, but how can I intervene?
Lucy Beresford replies: This is a tricky issue because, as I’m sure you’re aware, one person’s intervention is another person’s interference. Everyone has their own views on disciplining children. And you’d be staggered at the number of adults who vow to parent their own children differently from the way they were raised.
You say your granddaughter speaks of being smacked, but be careful — you don’t know this for certain. When she is in your home, you might consider deploying a different form of discipline that feels more acceptable to you. That way, you won’t be appearing overtly to undermine your daughter over what is a sensitive issue for all parents.
But what I’m also picking up in your letter is some conflict for you around your daughter siding with her husband and not with you. Boundaries are important in all relationships, and what I hear is your daughter putting up a boundary around this topic. You want her to agree with you, but you could end up creating a wedge. Respect her relationship with her husband and, until you know otherwise, assume this is a mutually agreed parenting strategy. It’s not better or worse than yours, just different — and that’s because it’s for a different little girl.
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