I’m 37, with two children aged three and five, and I don’t know whether I want another child. I thought I did, but when I recently missed a period, I was absolutely terrified and started panicking about how all our plans were going to be ruined. But I was one of three siblings, and I have a really strong notion that larger families are better. I want to resolve this lingering question, but how?
Lucy Beresford answers: You were one of three children, so this is the template of your childhood. Somewhere deep in your psyche is the sense that this is the perfect, natural number. So when you say ‘larger families are better’, maybe what you’re highlighting is that you don’t think your family is complete, according to this inner template.
Mostly, though, I’m struck by your reaction to missing a period. Your response sounds deeply primal and was of absolute terror. It contrasts starkly with your description of this dilemma as ‘lingering’, which, after nearly seven years unresolved, doesn’t sound nearly so urgent. And while we know that discovering we are pregnant for the first time can make women feel both fear and excitement, you’re no longer in that category, so it’s interesting that your response was so negative.
Fertility is finite, so it’s worth asking yourself whether thoughts of having another baby are more to do with anxieties about the menopause and the ageing process. Have you, for example, asked yourself how you’d react if you were told today you couldn’t have more children?
And I’m curious about your partner in all this. Does he know of your dilemma? What was the template of his childhood? Full and frank discussions are needed. After all, it will be the two of you raising any future babies.
For more on this topic, see ‘How many children are enough for you?’ by Andrew G Marshall, in the October issue out now.
You can email your dilemmas to dilemmas@psychologies.co.uk
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