My older sister died when I was 10, and since then I have always felt like the wrong child survived. As a teenager I reacted by looking different and doing outrageous things, but even when I sorted out my life and got a job and a flat, at 36 I still feel my mother is disappointed in me — just because I’m not Ellen. What can I do to make her accept me?
Lucy Beresford answers: I’m sorry to hear of your loss. You don’t explain in what way your mother doesn’t accept you, but the point is that you feel inadequate. I’m unclear as to whether she shows disappointment, or whether this is something you project on to her because you’re disappointed in yourself. Either way, you can work on strengthening your identity. If you receive negative reactions from your mother, try not to internalise them. Instead, find friends and activities that make you feel valued for the great person you are.
You might consider voicing your upset to your mother, in case she says or does things without thinking. But remember: your mother may never change. You’re frustrated that your mother can’t accept you. You, in turn, may have to learn to accept your mother’s blind-spots.
If it’s you that’s disappointed in you, you need to concentrate on stepping beyond Ellen’s shadow. Her death has become part of your identity. Even when you achieve things, you can’t shake her off. Is that because the achievements (job, flat) are what was expected of you, rather than what you truly wanted? Nourishing your self-esteem will help here, too, as you’ll be less dependent on parental approval and can start to live your life, without survivor guilt.
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