You’re in a crowded café, enjoying a salad with your eight-year-old, when suddenly she loudly asks, ‘Mum, what’s oral sex?’ leaving you to wonder which is redder, you or the beetroot.
Talking about sex with your child can feel awkward. What do you say, how do you say it and when is the right time? Many parents (and children) dread the day they’ll have to have that serious, sit-down conversation, explains Julie Bayley, a health psychology researcher at Coventry University who helped devise the What Should We Tell The Children About Sex And Relationships? programme for local parents. ‘A lot of parents think there is a right time to do this, but never know when this time is,’ she says. ‘Actually, there is no right time.’
Instead, it’s an open conversation that lasts years, says Bayley. ‘When you think it’s sensible to raise an issue, do it. You know your child best. The key thing is starting it early. Think about what you want to say and, if you don’t know, say, “I don’t know, let’s find out together”.’
Under 5
Your child will begin noticing basic differences between boys and girls, so you can expect questions such as, ‘What’s a willy?’
It’s easy to get flustered by such bald questions and, despite our best intentions, we may find ourselves shutting the conversation down with a knee-jerk ‘Don’t be silly’ or ‘You don’t need to know that’. But that only makes the subject taboo, paving the path for more awkwardness later on. ‘It sends a strong message that sex is scary and eventually they’ll go elsewhere and get the information,’ says Bayley.
Be honest and use the correct names for body parts, says the Family Planning Association’s David Kesterton. Children will notice touching themselves feels good and it
is the time to introduce appropriate touching and boundaries. ‘Make sure you explain it’s not naughty or dirty to want to touch your own genitals, but it’s not the right time and place to do so in public,’ he says.
Age 6–9
‘When I told my daughter I’d had a Caesarean, she said she wasn’t going to kiss any boys because she couldn’t afford to get pregnant and have an operation. I realised it was time to sit down and have a conversation with her,’ says Noella, 34.
At this stage, children start to become very aware of their bodies. You might find your child staring at your body and asking you questions about it. Curiosity about sex begins now so this is a good time to dispel any myths they may have picked up. Asking them questions like how they think babies are made can be a good way to check if they have any misconceptions. If they show interest, suggest getting a book with pictures to help explain it better.
Along with a new body awareness, your child is likely to be curious about exploring other children’s bodies and will play games such as doctors and nurses. ‘As long as we reinforce the idea of boundaries and that their bodies are their own, it’s not something for parents to worry about. There’s not going to be too much of an urge for sexual exploration, other than with their own bodies,’ says Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex And Character.
It’s also important to start to help our children reflect critically on the way images are used in the media. ‘As children’s clothing becomes more sexualised, children are becoming more anxious about body shape earlier,’ says Kesterton. Parents need to be reassuring and supportive, encouraging children to think positively about themselves and building up their self-esteem. ‘Are you praising them and showing them enough affection, and do you accept it when they reciprocate?’ says Hayman.
Age 10–12
As puberty begins earlier in some children than others, they may feel anxious about the way they are developing physically. With the awakening of sexual interest, your child may have met their first boyfriend or girlfriend, while perceptions that all their friends are in relationships and some of them might be sexually active might place more pressure on them to follow, says Kesterton.
It’s essential your child understands puberty, sex and contraception — so the way you broach the conversation is crucial. Make things easier by using a soap opera or film storyline to kick-start a conversation, says Kesterton. ‘Plots that depict relationship breakdown or abortion, for example, can be good places to start. Canvass their opinion on characters’ decisions and behaviour. Would they have done the same? How would they have reacted? Did they think the decision they made at the end was the right one? What could they have done instead?’
‘It’s a healthy part of sexual development for them to have crushes on people of the same sex and then gradually of the opposite sex and for there to be intensely romantic feelings involved,’ says Hayman. As long as we make it clear they can talk to us about it if they need to, we don’t need to interfere. But we need to help prepare our children for the plethora of sexual images and language they will undoubtedly encounter on the internet, in chat rooms, or on television.
Try giving them scenarios that involve the dangers of the internet and ask questions to open up the discussion. ‘Why might individuals lie about themselves in a chat room? Should girls or boys send pictures of themselves or give out their phone numbers? What might happen if they do?’ suggests Schwartz. Encouraging your child to tell you what they think they should do while reinforcing the idea that they need to be careful will help develop a healthy scepticism, an important component of sexual intelligence. If you’re not savvy technologically, getting your kids to show you how to use the internet or chat rooms is a good way to lead into a discussion about boundaries.
Age 13–15
Young teens may begin to feel under pressure to experiment sexually, and some do. Parents often focus on this aspect of their child’s burgeoning sexuality while neglecting to help them manage crushes, worries about starting serious relationships, and the intense emotions they are feeling.
Many parents, anxious for their children to avoid sex for at least a while longer, neglect to tell them about its upsides, but this is equally important. ‘If we keep telling young people that sex is nasty and dangerous, two things can happen,’ says Hayman. ‘Either they experience sex as something frightening — they feel guilty and scared about it and they are in denial about the fact that they are sexually active — or they discover pretty soon that it’s nice. Then they say, “You lied to me so I’m not going to believe a single thing you say.” Either way, it’s really destructive to talk only about the dangers of sex.’
The message we should be giving, says Hayman, is that sex is fantastic and beautiful but there are certain things you have to know about it. ‘It’s just like having a limit on when we start driving – it requires you pass your test and have safety measures. Sex is exactly the same. You need to know and understand about it, leave it until you’re older and use safety precautions when you do, and then you enjoy it.’
If they are embarking on a serious relationship, getting your child to open up and discuss relationships and sex at a time when they are much more likely to want to talk to their peers can be challenging. Create the opportunity for them to talk about anything that is concerning them by asking open questions such as, ‘How’s it going with your boyfriend? Are you feeling comfortable with it? Is anything worrying you about it?’ If they don’t want to talk about their personal life, you can try discussing different scenarios with them, such as a young couple alone together, and ask them questions such as, ‘How might they know they are ready for sex? What do they need to know about each other before having sex?’ ‘You can use this opportunity to convey your own family values to them about when you think it’s an appropriate time to have sex,’ says Schwartz.
If your child does come and tell you they’ve had sex, try not to panic, make assumptions or give them a lecture. ‘They’ve come to you because they have a query and your first response needs to be that you’re there to help. If they’ve engaged in unsafe sex, take them to the GP or sexual health clinic first, then you can tell them you’re not impressed with their behaviour but be delighted and relieved they came to you,’ says Hayman.
Age 16+
Alcohol and drugs are some of the biggest worries for parents at this stage. For one thing, it makes them more at risk from unprotected sex. ‘Talk to them about sensible drinking and weave into the conversation stories involving the dangers and risks. Don’t give them so much freedom that you don’t know what’s happening. See what their friends are doing. Make sure you know whose home they are in and don’t rely on what they tell you,’ says Schwartz.
‘If your child is too emotionally immature to understand the risks, then you need to be a bit more protective,’ says Bayley. Remember, too, that maturity doesn’t arrive overnight. ‘The key word is transition. Rather than letting go of the reins, which seems very sudden, it’s about gradually giving over more and more autonomy, trusting them and letting them prove that you can trust them.’
Your teen may be feeling pressure to behave in a more sexualised way than they’re comfortable with, so reassure them that it’s OK to be less interested in sex than their friends might appear to be. ‘Tell them about the reasons why waiting and using their body’s instinct at a different time is in their interest, but not that those instincts are wrong,’ says Schwartz.
You can’t protect your kids from everything and there comes a time when you just have to trust you have brought them up right. ‘Parents often worry kids are more easily damaged than they are. If you give them good values, goals and a strong sense of self-esteem, they will be pretty resourceful,’ says Schwartz.
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